So I have been in Canada for 80 days. It hardly seems possible. While I feel like it has been years since I saw my family last, it feels very short in others ways. I adore seeing my husband daily. That sentence sounds odd to most, but anybody who has endured long distance will understand and echo similar feelings about their sweetheart. I had lots of people tell me that I would really struggle when Sebastian and I got to this living together business. I knew it was going to be difficult because we are both older, intelligent, and have a stubborn streak. We have had our moments when I thought to myself, "Where did my husband go because this guy isn't acting like him at all." I am sure he has had the same moments. Canadian Thanksgiving (I am going to share this fight because it was humorous and well, I am going to embarrass myself so don't laugh too hard) I was making the "feast". I was in the kitchen and decided that I needed to sit down because my leg was aching. Now, keep in mind my husband's bachelorhood until very recently when I arrived. We have old plastic lawn chairs in our kitchen instead of a proper table and chair set. I sat down in Sebastian's chair when all of a sudden it breaks and I am thrown to the floor. No fat person ever wants this to happen and I was mortified. Sebastian runs up, and I thought to myself, "Oh he is so worried about me" but instead he rushed to inspect the chair and figure out why it broke. I am still sitting on the floor and he is mourning the loss of his 15 year old lawn chair that had doubled as a part of a dining room set. It was a moment where I wondered who this guy was parading as my husband. The irony that he was more concerned about the $10 chair did not escape me and I pointed it out, perhaps in a raised tone. Looking back, I think I will never forget that Ham dinner and Sebastian worrying about a chair. It is funny what is important to us at times. I know we are growing together, as married people do. And I feel blessed I have had this time with him.
On the job front, I was offered a job September 1st and I accepted. Unfortunately I have been waiting for licensing since that time. I have done a few trainings and I am headed to Fargo for a week of training this week. Hopefully, I will start meeting my clients in December and really get rolling. I have to take a National Board Certification test for my licensing. It is a daunting task as this test covers all the knowledge presented to me in Graduate School. I have been studying and hope I am ready when I get the big OK to take this test (hopefully coming very soon). I am impressed thus far with my new employer. They are invested in the betterment of their personnel and give each new hire Stephen R Covey's book and another book about personal development and a personal mission statement. These are then discussed in our yearly review. I respect that they want me to be successful, nit just somebody who completes the work competently. The other thing that has been nice is how they handled my Safety training this past week in Grand Forks. They offered to get me a hotel for the night before so that I would not have to be on the road at 5 AM to be in attendance. When I finally do get working, Sebastian and I have decided that I will find an apartment in or near Devil's Lake and stay there during the week, On the weekend I will come home to Winnipeg to spend time with Sebastian. There are benefits with this plan. For one, we don't have to mess with Visas and such, for now. We obviously don't wish for this to be our permanent standing. We have reason to believe that something even more wonderful may be brewing for us in the future. Time will tell. For now,I am excited to finally be at the point where I have a job that is appropriate for my level of education and that will stretch me as a person.
Coming to Winnipeg, I knew I was suppose to take a role in my new ward. I have already spoke in church, have been called as a Relief Society teacher, and will play a part in our Super Saturday. I am really happy to be in the service of my new ward and I am excited to grow in this capacity. Relief Society teacher is a bit scary for me because it was always the more experienced mothers of the ward who taught Relief Society in my wards in Utah. I guess I am older then I would like to claim, but I am not a mother and well, quite frankly I spent a good number of years ditching Relief Society. I guess that will not be a habit I will develop in my new ward ;) I hope that I will be able to give the lessons and help somebody look at things in a different way, or learn something new. I know it will be a matter of many prayers.
There are a few things we wish for in our future and pray our Heavenly Father will hear and answer our prayers. We always pray to remain cancer free. I will have another set of MRI's in a few weeks (I get to come home for Thanksgiving). We also ever pray that we might be blessed with children. We have only been married 2 years and just been together in the same household for 80 days, but we feel our age creeping on us and know there are health obstacles. But we are ever hopeful that we will be able to take on the very sacred role of Mother and Father. I know that I have been blessed beyond measure this past while. Heavenly Father has worked miraculous wonders and miracles in my life and I am thankful he is mindful of me and my desires.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Reflection and A Plan
This past year has been the most difficult year of my entire life. I told Sebastian when we got engaged that we had to get married in 2009. I just had this feeling about 2010, and the feeling was right, just not in a happy direction. It is a blessing we did get married because I may have opted to simplify my life and exclude a long distance relationship. I am thankful we did marry and I have my sweet husband with me. This time last year I had been forced to quit my Internship, leave the comforts of my home and family, live in a medical apartment, and to endure daily radiation treatments that completely sapped me of energy and severely burned my thigh. I was in constant pain and simply put, miserable. There were days I wanted to just quit because it was too hard. And here I am today, just finished with my Masters degree, scarred but still around, and starting on a new adventure.
I have been hinting around about this but my new journey started in April of this year. Conference Saturday in April to be exact. I had slept late and missed the first session of General Conference. I had the opportunity to watch the last couple of talks and vowed I would listen to the replay on KBYU. No sooner had they said amen in the prayer that my telephone began to ring. It was my Grandma and she was asking me if I had heard the news. I told her what happened and then she told me that they had announced the building of the Winnipeg temple. I began to cry, Grandma had the same reaction. I knew I was suppose to be in Winnipeg, I was suppose to be there and a part of this progress. This feeling scared me and overwhelmed me. For one thing, I felt I could not leave my Dad in his health condition. I also knew that it would be career suicide. I fought against this feeling but I knew what I knew and I knew that I was, yet again being called on a "mission". I went back to my internship and I worried about the next step that would come in August. I wanted to stay at Southwest but I knew there was not a job. In fact I knew there was not any jobs in Utah. My time in Utah was coming to an end. It scared the crud out of me. Sebastian and I went back and forth trying to figure out what we wanted next. That feeling of being needed in Winnipeg persisted but I could not see a way that we could make my career work in Canada. I finally decided that I was just going to start sending out my resume and see what happened. I sent out 20 resumes in one day. I got a couple of responses that the jobs no longer existed but "thank you for (my) interest." Then I had one come back that she wanted to talk to me about the possibility of offering me a job. This job is in Devil's Lake, North Dakota. This is the job that is the very closest to Sebastian. I could drive home on the weekends, be apart of Sebastian's ward and start my new "mission". I have since interviewed with the district supervisor and had several correspondance with the woman who will be my direct supervisor. She has talked to me about housing in the area and how I can commute home to Canada. I meet her and the district supervisor in person on the 31st of August. I expect a forthcoming job offer. So I am flying to be with my sweet husband on Thursday August 25th. we have reached the end of being a part. Even if I do not get the job, I no longer have a reason to not be with my husband so I choose Sebastian and my marriage. But I have put this in my Heavenly Father's hands and I believe he has prepared a promising and wonderful next step for me. If I come back to St. George in September, it will be to move my belongings. Move my belongings half way across the country. It is a scary move but I am excited for this step, this progress in my, our family. So, when Stacy Schimbeck made the joke last Sunday about being asked to speak in Sacrament meeting but "they weren't moving" I think I laughed the loudest because yes, this Sunday is my last Sunday in the Washington 5th ward and No, I am not scheduled to speak in church. So, here is for progress and thank heavens I made it through the dark times to come out on the other side and enjoy the next part of my journey. I know that many people have blessed our lives this past little bit and have kept me in their prayers.
I have been hinting around about this but my new journey started in April of this year. Conference Saturday in April to be exact. I had slept late and missed the first session of General Conference. I had the opportunity to watch the last couple of talks and vowed I would listen to the replay on KBYU. No sooner had they said amen in the prayer that my telephone began to ring. It was my Grandma and she was asking me if I had heard the news. I told her what happened and then she told me that they had announced the building of the Winnipeg temple. I began to cry, Grandma had the same reaction. I knew I was suppose to be in Winnipeg, I was suppose to be there and a part of this progress. This feeling scared me and overwhelmed me. For one thing, I felt I could not leave my Dad in his health condition. I also knew that it would be career suicide. I fought against this feeling but I knew what I knew and I knew that I was, yet again being called on a "mission". I went back to my internship and I worried about the next step that would come in August. I wanted to stay at Southwest but I knew there was not a job. In fact I knew there was not any jobs in Utah. My time in Utah was coming to an end. It scared the crud out of me. Sebastian and I went back and forth trying to figure out what we wanted next. That feeling of being needed in Winnipeg persisted but I could not see a way that we could make my career work in Canada. I finally decided that I was just going to start sending out my resume and see what happened. I sent out 20 resumes in one day. I got a couple of responses that the jobs no longer existed but "thank you for (my) interest." Then I had one come back that she wanted to talk to me about the possibility of offering me a job. This job is in Devil's Lake, North Dakota. This is the job that is the very closest to Sebastian. I could drive home on the weekends, be apart of Sebastian's ward and start my new "mission". I have since interviewed with the district supervisor and had several correspondance with the woman who will be my direct supervisor. She has talked to me about housing in the area and how I can commute home to Canada. I meet her and the district supervisor in person on the 31st of August. I expect a forthcoming job offer. So I am flying to be with my sweet husband on Thursday August 25th. we have reached the end of being a part. Even if I do not get the job, I no longer have a reason to not be with my husband so I choose Sebastian and my marriage. But I have put this in my Heavenly Father's hands and I believe he has prepared a promising and wonderful next step for me. If I come back to St. George in September, it will be to move my belongings. Move my belongings half way across the country. It is a scary move but I am excited for this step, this progress in my, our family. So, when Stacy Schimbeck made the joke last Sunday about being asked to speak in Sacrament meeting but "they weren't moving" I think I laughed the loudest because yes, this Sunday is my last Sunday in the Washington 5th ward and No, I am not scheduled to speak in church. So, here is for progress and thank heavens I made it through the dark times to come out on the other side and enjoy the next part of my journey. I know that many people have blessed our lives this past little bit and have kept me in their prayers.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
TIME?!?!
time...Time...TIME...Argh it keeps ticking and at the very same time it is never moving fast enough. I finish my internship on August 14. The goal has been so hard to get to, and yet I worry I will never make it. I do go to work but it is definately more difficult to get out of bed and get there. And it is even more difficult when I see my bills piling up and yet no pay check. So while I am running as fast as I can to the finish line, I am so very scared about getting there and having to get a job, if I will get a job, and where that will be.
Sebastian and I have gone back and forth for awhile as to what comes next. I was told that the door really is closed on a job at Southwest Behavioral Health, and the pickin's are slim here in Utah. So where? Sebastian applied for a director of security job there in Winnipeg. It would be such a great opportunity for him but I am worried about my career. I know that sounds selfish and I need to think as a we, but I have gone to school for what seems like forever and will not really be able to do much therapy in Canada with a Masters degree. My work would be more case management. I love my husband and we need to finally live in the same country/city/home finally! So I feel conflicted. In April when the Winnipeg temple was announced, I had a feeling that I should be in Winnipeg. I told Sebastian I will give it a year, but I know it is almost career suicide to not work on licensing this first year. I will know more about all of this soon because I am going to Winnipeg the end of August to spend time with Sebastian, but I am going to try and interview for jobs. Really, I need a job for my sanity and my ability to feel good about my abilities, much less the bills and the goose egg in the bank account. I guess I could use some divine intervention. So time is my enemy, for now.
Sebastian and I have gone back and forth for awhile as to what comes next. I was told that the door really is closed on a job at Southwest Behavioral Health, and the pickin's are slim here in Utah. So where? Sebastian applied for a director of security job there in Winnipeg. It would be such a great opportunity for him but I am worried about my career. I know that sounds selfish and I need to think as a we, but I have gone to school for what seems like forever and will not really be able to do much therapy in Canada with a Masters degree. My work would be more case management. I love my husband and we need to finally live in the same country/city/home finally! So I feel conflicted. In April when the Winnipeg temple was announced, I had a feeling that I should be in Winnipeg. I told Sebastian I will give it a year, but I know it is almost career suicide to not work on licensing this first year. I will know more about all of this soon because I am going to Winnipeg the end of August to spend time with Sebastian, but I am going to try and interview for jobs. Really, I need a job for my sanity and my ability to feel good about my abilities, much less the bills and the goose egg in the bank account. I guess I could use some divine intervention. So time is my enemy, for now.
Friday, April 29, 2011
An attempt to not be Debbie Downer (A nod to all of those SNL fans)
I feel like lately I have been Debbie Downer. I get through one challenge only to have something new to complain about. So, I am going to briefly update what is happening with my leg and then talk about more pleasant topics. On April 18, Dr. Booth decided that the tunnel in my leg would not heal without intervention. He numbed my leg and then with a scalpel, cut open my leg down to the tunnel so that my leg could heal from the base up to the surface. I know it seems strange to cut a leg open to heal it, but my tunnel would persist, be an area for possible infection and continued drainage. This was a painful procedure and I did not recover like I thought I should. I went back on Thursday, and Dr. Booth had determined that I had cellulitis in my leg, but it was not in my wound, but in the area that I have had problems with scar tissue and suspected an additional tumor. He told me to go the ER and that I would be in patient for 2 to 3 days if it was simply cellulitis, but if it was an abscess, I needed to head back to Salt Lake for more surgery and interventions. I was scared and wouldn't you know it, it was one of the few times I went alone to wound clinic. I went and picked up Kortney and hugged Grandma as I headed to the ER. Once there, I was treated like a hypochondriac who did not know what she was talking about. The ball had been dropped between the old campus of the hospital and the new hospital. After 4 hours at the ER, they had determined that it was cellulitis but my white count was not high enough to be too concerned. (Apparently I can show up normal on blood work and yet have cancer-That was 15 months ago.) So I was referred to Infusion therapy through the holiday weekend to receive daily infusions of Rocefin and to take it easy and try and elevate my leg as much as possible. No problem because all I wanted to do was sleep, I felt like crud. I am now on more oral antibiotics and trying to feel stronger, but my allergies are also kicking my trash. This week I was referred for Hyperbaric therapy. I thought it was no big deal before I saw what that entails. Hyperbaric treatment involves wearing this clear plastic hood over your head with it locked on a collar you put on first so that you get 100% oxygen while you are in this pressurized tank. Did not look like a pleasure cruise to me. I would also have to get my little friend back on my leg. My little friend is a temperamental little machine called a wound vac. The other difficulty is that they want me to commit to 2 hour sessions 5 days a week for 6 weeks. That is a huge commitment to accompany my internship.
Okay, on to pleasantries. I am going back to Southwest Mental Health Youth Division for my final 15 weeks of internship. This is where I did my first 30 weeks and I enjoyed it immensely. It is difficult to work with children, but I love thinking that if I can teach an 8 year old a skill that will serve them the rest of their lives, how much happier they will be. I have run into some wonderful, fun kids there and I am glad they can accommodate me for these final weeks. I was really concerned that I did not have an internship site because I am so close to finishing that no one would want to invest the time in me. I start back on Monday, May 2nd. I will be working with a different population these final weeks. I will be working with troubled teenage boys. I love helping kids and seeing them learn something about themselves that can enhance their lives. Not to mention, I get to play with toys, draw and color, and play all day long. It is fabulous. The other good news is that I am graduating with my Masters in Counseling-Mental Health on Saturday May 7th. And I am walking at graduation. I decided that I need to celebrate the good things in my life. I had wanted to have all my family and my cute husband to be there but the fates did not quite align for that to happen. I am going to graduation with very exceptional parents whom I know I could not have survived without during this last part of my life. We will have to all celebrate during my birthday in July. I have realized that any graduation is worth celebrating, any victory is worth celebrating because life is short and we should be trying to build each other up rather than the doldrums of every day. That is the other bit of good news. I am going to have another birthday this year. And as much as I would rather be turning 26 than 36, I am glad that my Heavenly Father gave me another year in this mortal existence and I am excited to have my family including my cute husband around me while I blow out my candles. Thank heavens there is a bright side to every dark cloud.
Okay, on to pleasantries. I am going back to Southwest Mental Health Youth Division for my final 15 weeks of internship. This is where I did my first 30 weeks and I enjoyed it immensely. It is difficult to work with children, but I love thinking that if I can teach an 8 year old a skill that will serve them the rest of their lives, how much happier they will be. I have run into some wonderful, fun kids there and I am glad they can accommodate me for these final weeks. I was really concerned that I did not have an internship site because I am so close to finishing that no one would want to invest the time in me. I start back on Monday, May 2nd. I will be working with a different population these final weeks. I will be working with troubled teenage boys. I love helping kids and seeing them learn something about themselves that can enhance their lives. Not to mention, I get to play with toys, draw and color, and play all day long. It is fabulous. The other good news is that I am graduating with my Masters in Counseling-Mental Health on Saturday May 7th. And I am walking at graduation. I decided that I need to celebrate the good things in my life. I had wanted to have all my family and my cute husband to be there but the fates did not quite align for that to happen. I am going to graduation with very exceptional parents whom I know I could not have survived without during this last part of my life. We will have to all celebrate during my birthday in July. I have realized that any graduation is worth celebrating, any victory is worth celebrating because life is short and we should be trying to build each other up rather than the doldrums of every day. That is the other bit of good news. I am going to have another birthday this year. And as much as I would rather be turning 26 than 36, I am glad that my Heavenly Father gave me another year in this mortal existence and I am excited to have my family including my cute husband around me while I blow out my candles. Thank heavens there is a bright side to every dark cloud.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
A Great Weekend and Some Weird Thoughts
This past weekend was such a good one for Sebastian and I. My cute husband went for a job interview a few weeks ago for a part-time job. He thought the interview went very well and was excited he had a chance to try and sharpen his interview skills. After 10 days or so, Sebastian commented to me that he was certain he had done well in this interview and was excited for the 2nd job, but since he had not heard from them he did not think he got the job. Friday, he received an email extending the position to him. He was thrilled that this had turned out well and laughed that he quickly gave up when I told him that he may still have the job. Monday he signed the offer and was pleased to find that he would be compensated well at this part-time job. It was great news for us as I have been out of work for 16 months with the internship and the cancer.
Saturday morning was the beginning of General Conference. Due to my sleeping problems, I did not fall asleep until almost 4 AM the night before and did not wake up until 11. I turned on conference and watched the last hour and resolved to watch it on KBYU to catch up. No sooner had "Amen" been said to the closing prayer, when my phone began to ring. It was my Grandma and she was asking if I had watched conference. I felt a little embarassed because of my sleeping late and quickly explained myself. Sweet Grandma had called to ask if I had heard the news. The news that had caused her to burst into tears was that they were building a temple in Winnipeg Canada. I began to weep as she told me this marvelous news and felt stirred that these 2 happenings may be a sign to me. I know the worth of a born-and-raised-Utah Mormon in the "mission field" who is also a returned missionary. It benefits the ward they land in greatly and I know Sebastian's ward in Winnipeg was thrilled at the thought of me joining their numbers. Well, I called my sweetheart to tell him and he was shocked that his little stake had finally got the temple they prayed so ferverently for. We listened to the anouncement together. It was such a faith building moment for me. The temple is such a great blessing and a responsibility. It reaffirmed my commitment to go and be sealed to Sebastian soon.
So the strange thoughts. Originally, we had planned that I would move to Canada and build our life there. I then had some bad experiences in Winnipeg and then found out that my work in Canada would be as a case manager and not a therapist because I do not have my doctorate, yet. That had us back at the drawing board for a new plan. we decided that economically and emotionally it would be more beneficial to make our life in the US, wherever I got a job. This was the plan and then cancer happened. So I have been at a stalemate for the past 9 months. So I began to think, maybe these things were a "sign" that we should make life in Canada. This thought totally feels foreign. It is also very difficult for me because my Dad is ill and I worry. I have been his caretaker for the past few years and the thought of not doing that (He has stated that he will NOT move) worries me immensely. Now, I am not packing yet, I just put the option back on the table for my husband. I listened through conference and was moved to hear about enduring trials and being charitable and the sanctity of families. I felt spiritually fed but confused about the next few months and our future. Thank heavens for modern day revelation. And now I need to go forward with faith and find out what life has in store for us in the next few months as I graduate and finish my internship and begin to look for employment.
Saturday morning was the beginning of General Conference. Due to my sleeping problems, I did not fall asleep until almost 4 AM the night before and did not wake up until 11. I turned on conference and watched the last hour and resolved to watch it on KBYU to catch up. No sooner had "Amen" been said to the closing prayer, when my phone began to ring. It was my Grandma and she was asking if I had watched conference. I felt a little embarassed because of my sleeping late and quickly explained myself. Sweet Grandma had called to ask if I had heard the news. The news that had caused her to burst into tears was that they were building a temple in Winnipeg Canada. I began to weep as she told me this marvelous news and felt stirred that these 2 happenings may be a sign to me. I know the worth of a born-and-raised-Utah Mormon in the "mission field" who is also a returned missionary. It benefits the ward they land in greatly and I know Sebastian's ward in Winnipeg was thrilled at the thought of me joining their numbers. Well, I called my sweetheart to tell him and he was shocked that his little stake had finally got the temple they prayed so ferverently for. We listened to the anouncement together. It was such a faith building moment for me. The temple is such a great blessing and a responsibility. It reaffirmed my commitment to go and be sealed to Sebastian soon.
So the strange thoughts. Originally, we had planned that I would move to Canada and build our life there. I then had some bad experiences in Winnipeg and then found out that my work in Canada would be as a case manager and not a therapist because I do not have my doctorate, yet. That had us back at the drawing board for a new plan. we decided that economically and emotionally it would be more beneficial to make our life in the US, wherever I got a job. This was the plan and then cancer happened. So I have been at a stalemate for the past 9 months. So I began to think, maybe these things were a "sign" that we should make life in Canada. This thought totally feels foreign. It is also very difficult for me because my Dad is ill and I worry. I have been his caretaker for the past few years and the thought of not doing that (He has stated that he will NOT move) worries me immensely. Now, I am not packing yet, I just put the option back on the table for my husband. I listened through conference and was moved to hear about enduring trials and being charitable and the sanctity of families. I felt spiritually fed but confused about the next few months and our future. Thank heavens for modern day revelation. And now I need to go forward with faith and find out what life has in store for us in the next few months as I graduate and finish my internship and begin to look for employment.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Waiting for the leg to heal
This past week, I had a bit of a set back. Perhaps I should give some background to why all this has hit me so oddly. I have sensitive skin and it has made this whole cancer thing more difficult. I burned like a Crisco-covered banana from the radiation. And when wound specialists tell you this is one of the most remarkable burns they have ever seen, it is not a compliment. Then we discovered my massive allergy to tape and how the thing that was keeping my wound covered was basically eating my skin. Next, I had problems with sutures in my leg and having those wonderful wound specialists state that my leg looks "angry" and inflamed. I did not know that a limb could have such emotions. Perhaps I can also state that my arm fat looks sad and my cheeks feel proud. Anyway, I think at least 1 round of my antibiotics can be attributed to my "angry" leg and not infection. And it does cause me to have moments, please forgive me for my weakness, when I wonder why I didn't just give up and tell them to go ahead and cut it off. I did tell them (My surgeons) once that I was ready to cut my leg off and get on with my life. And I felt peaceful about the decision and was able to see the benefit of not going through all this wound healing and having a cancerous limb removed, but I could not accept an amputation very close to my hip. I also wondered what they would do with the leg and envisioned (although I am certain this is not what would happen to it) a landfill with limbs and my big ole fat leg laying on top. I even thought of those New Testament verses that spoke about if we have a part of our being that offends us, to pluck it out and rid ourselves of it. Well right leg, as good as you have been to me for awhile, you have offended me now for about a year. Yes it was a year ago this month that I noticed this lump and hardness in my leg. But then I go to Wal-Mart and run into people I haven't seen since this all began and notice how they stare at my leg or check to see if I still have 2 legs, yes, I have had people count my limbs cuz they thought I had plucked my offensive part from me. And even when I notice how weak my leg is, or how much my stupid knee hurts, and even when I feel how deformed the back of my leg is, I realize that I am a fighter! I didn't give up! And I continue to fight until the fight is won. So, I guess I choose this path and accept the road this choice puts me on.
So, the set back. On Monday I went on to the wound clinic for my normal visit. (Another digression: The people at the wound clinic here in St George are phenomenal!!! I always get a good laugh with the techs, I am treated with love and respect, and have individuals who care for me like a family member with genuine concern and compassion, There, that is my plug.) As Deidre, my Nurse Practioner was cleaning up my wound, she realized that as she rinsed my wound with saline it was coming out of a hole from my stitches 3 inches up my leg. This indicates that I have yet another tunnel. And my leg was looking uber "angry" and I still had stitches in my leg from my surgery 5 weeks ago. I returned to the wound clinic on Tuesday and had these very ingrown stitches removed. One of the doctors was certain that as soon as I bore weight, my leg would split open. He even said he would have bet a $100. Man I could have used that money! So, I have been confined to my bed and limited walking, sitting, and standing since Tuesday. As of today, Friday, my leg is still together and I am fighting to have it stay together. I would rather not experience the tearing of a wound opening up yet again. I did that last July and it scared the crud out of me. so, my organized mess of a house is not so organized and the mess is becoming quite bad, but my leg isn't open. On the dim side, I was told that even if it does stay together but does not heal properly or quickly, they will open up the leg anyway. It makes me think I am fighting for the losing side. So I talk to my leg and tell it to heal correctly, to think healing thoughts-if it can have emotions, I am sure it can think- and to behave himself. Don't ask me why, but my naughty leg is a he.
So, like watching paint dry and the grass grow, I wait for my leg to heal and hope I can get back to my life soon.
So, the set back. On Monday I went on to the wound clinic for my normal visit. (Another digression: The people at the wound clinic here in St George are phenomenal!!! I always get a good laugh with the techs, I am treated with love and respect, and have individuals who care for me like a family member with genuine concern and compassion, There, that is my plug.) As Deidre, my Nurse Practioner was cleaning up my wound, she realized that as she rinsed my wound with saline it was coming out of a hole from my stitches 3 inches up my leg. This indicates that I have yet another tunnel. And my leg was looking uber "angry" and I still had stitches in my leg from my surgery 5 weeks ago. I returned to the wound clinic on Tuesday and had these very ingrown stitches removed. One of the doctors was certain that as soon as I bore weight, my leg would split open. He even said he would have bet a $100. Man I could have used that money! So, I have been confined to my bed and limited walking, sitting, and standing since Tuesday. As of today, Friday, my leg is still together and I am fighting to have it stay together. I would rather not experience the tearing of a wound opening up yet again. I did that last July and it scared the crud out of me. so, my organized mess of a house is not so organized and the mess is becoming quite bad, but my leg isn't open. On the dim side, I was told that even if it does stay together but does not heal properly or quickly, they will open up the leg anyway. It makes me think I am fighting for the losing side. So I talk to my leg and tell it to heal correctly, to think healing thoughts-if it can have emotions, I am sure it can think- and to behave himself. Don't ask me why, but my naughty leg is a he.
So, like watching paint dry and the grass grow, I wait for my leg to heal and hope I can get back to my life soon.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wanting What You Don't Have
Lately, I have been wanting something that is not good for me. (This something in and of itself is wonderful but not right for me at this moment.) Something that would complicate my life so completely and would be so difficult for me to manage. But I want it and sometimes I feel like if I throw a big enough temper tantrum or be good enough, Heavenly Father will honor my request. But this desire has got me thinking why I spend so many hours of my life lusting (that's right, lusting) after something I don't have. And I flashed to the movie "Click". Wouldn't it be fantastic to fast forward to when I feel better and heal from this disease. Fast forward to when my husband will be in the US. Fast forward to when I have an actual job that pays me money and I am using my degree etc etc etc. You get the idea.
Thinking about this would be great for about 12 seconds. If I fast forwarded to being better, well I would miss this time to bond with my family and to rest and to think (Maybe I am doing too much thinking) and to be bored and be confined to bed and learn how strong I am. If I fast forwarded to my husband being here I would miss the opportunity to have that moment when I know this dream is coming true and the strength this struggle has given me and the patience I think I am suppose to be learning and what it truly takes for someone outside of the US to come and work and live in the US. If I fast forward to having a job then I miss the opportunity of learning what these last 400 hours of internship will teach me and the struggle to be a good therapist and the education my supervisor can give me and the fun of job interviews. All good lessons right?
So, my thought for today is to be thankful for what I have right now and know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who does indeed have a plan for me. I don't have to tackle all the trials of the world (fast forwarding would make me have to make a lot of decisions in a very short time), I just have to tackle today and today's challenges. So, I am going to try and stop wanting what don't have right now and live in the now.
PS If you see me next week complaining, remind me that I said this. I will probably forget.
Thinking about this would be great for about 12 seconds. If I fast forwarded to being better, well I would miss this time to bond with my family and to rest and to think (Maybe I am doing too much thinking) and to be bored and be confined to bed and learn how strong I am. If I fast forwarded to my husband being here I would miss the opportunity to have that moment when I know this dream is coming true and the strength this struggle has given me and the patience I think I am suppose to be learning and what it truly takes for someone outside of the US to come and work and live in the US. If I fast forward to having a job then I miss the opportunity of learning what these last 400 hours of internship will teach me and the struggle to be a good therapist and the education my supervisor can give me and the fun of job interviews. All good lessons right?
So, my thought for today is to be thankful for what I have right now and know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who does indeed have a plan for me. I don't have to tackle all the trials of the world (fast forwarding would make me have to make a lot of decisions in a very short time), I just have to tackle today and today's challenges. So, I am going to try and stop wanting what don't have right now and live in the now.
PS If you see me next week complaining, remind me that I said this. I will probably forget.
Friday, March 18, 2011
A much needed thought on Gratitude
Once a year, we all sit down at the dining table around a turkey and think about what we have to be grateful for. And it is easy to run through the rest of the year not giving a second thought to where all our many blessings come from. I am guilty of this crime. For the past few weeks I have been feeling a bit blue and had a day yesterday that showed me two lessons and reminded me to look up once in awhile. The first lesson is that it is not all about me. Being ill and struggling, it is so easy to get lost in the thought that I am the center of the universe. Now that is a huge job and as such every mis-said word is meant as a dig of hatred. Every careless action is meant to offend. Well, I have to face facts, I am not the center of the universe, everyone around me is just as human as I am, and I need to be more open to letting things go as quickly as they happen. I had breakfast with an old friend and his wife and baby yesterday. I talked their ears off. I barely ate because I was so busy talking about myself. As I drove home, I was embarrassed. This was my first meeting with this friend's wife, and I had barely learned much about her. And as-not-the-center-of-the-universe, I don't need to disclose every detail of my life to my friends. So, it is officially OK to shut me up if I get going and you think I need to be quiet.
The second lesson occurred later in the day. I went to my wound clinic appointment. As the Nurse Practioner was cleaning up my leg and doing a bit of scraping, she asked me if I needed something to numb my leg. I immediately said thanks but no thanks. The nurse laughed a bit and she said she had forgot, I was strong and determined and never took the numbing meds. I had forgot how very strong I am. I have beaten MANY things in my life, I am in the process of beating cancer, and will continue to fight and conquer things as long as I draw breath. I need to remember my strength and stop feeling bad for myself. I have had a bad case of Poor-Me lately and it is uncalled for. I am SO BLESSED!!! Why would I be running around saying I am so picked on when, quite frankly, I don't have a leg to stand on. My cute aunt told me about her "Gratitude Journal" that she writes in every night, maybe that is a practice I need to do more often. So, the short list of blessings today is my comfortable bed, an understanding family (hopefully) that will forgive me for my recent funk, my wonderful sweetheart who has been so kind as I have been trying to figure all of this out, a mother and grandmother who have been so generous and wonderful and have stood by me as I have gone through cancer, and a home, food to eat, air to breath (that is clean and not filled with radiation), and a sometimes good mind. I think the problem I sometimes run into is I am so impatient. As I was talking about my life with my friend I talked about why my husband and I are still separated. I said, "Well the fact is that Sebastian has a job in Canada that pays the bills and I don't. So I guess he needs to stay there until the situation is different." I had such a peaceful feeling as I said this and an increasing feeling that we will not be separated too much longer and that we will be blessed for our patience. I feel that was the spirit telling me something I have prayed for so fervently. Another blessing I should be grateful for, the inspiration of the Holy Ghost. As I told Sebastian this he also felt peaceful and that this was true. The second part of that is that I don't have to be the strongest person in the world every day because I am human and weak. It is OK to ask for help and take the assistance that is available to me.
So, my message today to myself and anyone else who can relate to what I am saying is that we have a loving Heavenly Father who loves and blesses us abundantly every moment of every day. All we need to do is notice. And if we don't, He is willing to forgive us and continue to bless us. Thank heavens because I know I cannot make it through each day without Him.
Jamie
P.S. I would like to publicly apologize to my friend and his darling wife, My Mom, My Grandma, My husband, and my family who I have dumped on for the past little bit.
The second lesson occurred later in the day. I went to my wound clinic appointment. As the Nurse Practioner was cleaning up my leg and doing a bit of scraping, she asked me if I needed something to numb my leg. I immediately said thanks but no thanks. The nurse laughed a bit and she said she had forgot, I was strong and determined and never took the numbing meds. I had forgot how very strong I am. I have beaten MANY things in my life, I am in the process of beating cancer, and will continue to fight and conquer things as long as I draw breath. I need to remember my strength and stop feeling bad for myself. I have had a bad case of Poor-Me lately and it is uncalled for. I am SO BLESSED!!! Why would I be running around saying I am so picked on when, quite frankly, I don't have a leg to stand on. My cute aunt told me about her "Gratitude Journal" that she writes in every night, maybe that is a practice I need to do more often. So, the short list of blessings today is my comfortable bed, an understanding family (hopefully) that will forgive me for my recent funk, my wonderful sweetheart who has been so kind as I have been trying to figure all of this out, a mother and grandmother who have been so generous and wonderful and have stood by me as I have gone through cancer, and a home, food to eat, air to breath (that is clean and not filled with radiation), and a sometimes good mind. I think the problem I sometimes run into is I am so impatient. As I was talking about my life with my friend I talked about why my husband and I are still separated. I said, "Well the fact is that Sebastian has a job in Canada that pays the bills and I don't. So I guess he needs to stay there until the situation is different." I had such a peaceful feeling as I said this and an increasing feeling that we will not be separated too much longer and that we will be blessed for our patience. I feel that was the spirit telling me something I have prayed for so fervently. Another blessing I should be grateful for, the inspiration of the Holy Ghost. As I told Sebastian this he also felt peaceful and that this was true. The second part of that is that I don't have to be the strongest person in the world every day because I am human and weak. It is OK to ask for help and take the assistance that is available to me.
So, my message today to myself and anyone else who can relate to what I am saying is that we have a loving Heavenly Father who loves and blesses us abundantly every moment of every day. All we need to do is notice. And if we don't, He is willing to forgive us and continue to bless us. Thank heavens because I know I cannot make it through each day without Him.
Jamie
P.S. I would like to publicly apologize to my friend and his darling wife, My Mom, My Grandma, My husband, and my family who I have dumped on for the past little bit.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
My Anthems for Now...
I have been listening to a lot of music lately. My cute mom gave me the new Brad Paisley CD for Christmas and when I heard this song for the first time on Monday, I knew that it's words are for me. It is called "No"
On my fifth birthday, I got so upset,
About the brand new bike, that I didn't get.
I'd prayed my heart out, and it didn't seem fair,
I told my grandpa, I guess God doesn't care,
And he just smiled, and said my child,
Make no mistake, every prayer you pray,
gets answered, even though,
sometimes, the answer is no.
Five years later, out behind the shed,
With a stolen pack of grandpa's cigarettes,
I struck a match, and held that first one to my lips,
And prayed to God please let me get away with this,
And through the smoke, I saw grandpa standing there.
Make no mistake, every prayer you pray,
gets answered, even though,
sometimes, the answer is no.
When I think of all the answers in my life, I would have to say,
There's no doubt it was always for the best,
When I didn't get my way.
Grandpa got older, like grandpas do,
His health was failing, and I guess I knew,
It'd be best if he was called on hold,
but selfishly I prayed that God would keep him hanging on,
And when he passed away, in my mind I heard him say.
Make no mistake, every prayer you pray,
gets answered, even though,
sometimes the answer is no.
Sometimes, the answer,
is no.
As I listened to the lyrics of this beautiful song, I thought of 2 things. The first was a time early into my cancer diagnosis and I had to give up my life here in St. George. I prayed to be able to stay or that I would be able to be cured and did not have to give up my life to be sick. Well, the answer was and is No. Looking at this situation I know I can have more empathy for people who are chronically ill or faced with trials they feel is insurmountable. Maybe, I am still doing my internship. but this is my Heavenly Father's internship, his refiner's fire to make me better as a counselor and a person.
The second thought was of my Savior and how he prayed that his very large task be removed from him but he was willing to accept his Father's will. I need to remember as life hits us over and over, Sebastian and I can try to emulate our Savior.
And Yes, I played this song for Sebastian and he immediately asked me to find the lyrics for him. I think it is his anthem as well.
I heard this song about 2 weeks ago and had a similar reaction. As you read through this Sara Evans song, well it is a break-up song, and it is about my break up with cancer and my tumor. Yes, every day I am getting "A little Stronger"
Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby
And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
On my fifth birthday, I got so upset,
About the brand new bike, that I didn't get.
I'd prayed my heart out, and it didn't seem fair,
I told my grandpa, I guess God doesn't care,
And he just smiled, and said my child,
Make no mistake, every prayer you pray,
gets answered, even though,
sometimes, the answer is no.
Five years later, out behind the shed,
With a stolen pack of grandpa's cigarettes,
I struck a match, and held that first one to my lips,
And prayed to God please let me get away with this,
And through the smoke, I saw grandpa standing there.
Make no mistake, every prayer you pray,
gets answered, even though,
sometimes, the answer is no.
When I think of all the answers in my life, I would have to say,
There's no doubt it was always for the best,
When I didn't get my way.
Grandpa got older, like grandpas do,
His health was failing, and I guess I knew,
It'd be best if he was called on hold,
but selfishly I prayed that God would keep him hanging on,
And when he passed away, in my mind I heard him say.
Make no mistake, every prayer you pray,
gets answered, even though,
sometimes the answer is no.
Sometimes, the answer,
is no.
As I listened to the lyrics of this beautiful song, I thought of 2 things. The first was a time early into my cancer diagnosis and I had to give up my life here in St. George. I prayed to be able to stay or that I would be able to be cured and did not have to give up my life to be sick. Well, the answer was and is No. Looking at this situation I know I can have more empathy for people who are chronically ill or faced with trials they feel is insurmountable. Maybe, I am still doing my internship. but this is my Heavenly Father's internship, his refiner's fire to make me better as a counselor and a person.
The second thought was of my Savior and how he prayed that his very large task be removed from him but he was willing to accept his Father's will. I need to remember as life hits us over and over, Sebastian and I can try to emulate our Savior.
And Yes, I played this song for Sebastian and he immediately asked me to find the lyrics for him. I think it is his anthem as well.
I heard this song about 2 weeks ago and had a similar reaction. As you read through this Sara Evans song, well it is a break-up song, and it is about my break up with cancer and my tumor. Yes, every day I am getting "A little Stronger"
Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby
And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Exile to Salt Lake, being an only child, and Radiation
On July 28, I left hot St. George with my Mom and Grandma. When we got to Salt Lake, we went to see my radiation oncologist. Dr. Hitchcock informed us that while we were there now, she would not begin my radiation until the 9th of August. Over the next week, I had 2 MRI's and a CT scan.
For anyone who has never had an MRI, I would like to explain the experience. When you enter the room for the scan, you see a very narrow table and a machine with a small round hole in the middle. Now, it has not escaped me that I am not the smallest person, and as I looked at the small opening I wondered if I would get stuck. I laid on the table and the technician commenced to strap me to the table with plastic restraints and then he taped my feet together in a not-so-comfortable position. I realized then that perhaps I wasn't into being tied up. Then you are ready for the test to begin. Fortunately, Huntsman not only has ear plugs available, it also has music. The tech placed the headphones on and I felt set. The music was loud, but the machine is MUCH louder. Then the table begins to go through the small hole. Once you are in place, and thoroughly wedged in their, the machine starts up. Now at this moment I thought to myself, what if I was permanently stuck and could not get out? I envisioned a chainsaw and a tech crying over his now demolished machine. This machine is EXTREMELY LOUD and I was worried that I might be deaf when this is done. I imagine it is what it is like to have your head in a large bell as it rings. This machine whines, knocks, and buzzes. Now these scans don't take like 5 minutes, they take 90 minutes. As you are in this machine, mind you it is late July and you are already hot as heck from the cancer, it gets even hotter due to the magnets whirling around you. (This is one of the reasons they ask you about metal in your body and you have to remove anything metallic before the scan begins.) Time seemed to stand still as the machine blared on. Finally the tech tells you in the earphones that the you are to the last part of the scan. That must be the longest 8 minutes. When I got out of this machine, I was drenched with sweat, partially deaf from the loud machine, in immense pain from laying on that hard table and being taped in a awkward position, and starving. My MRI experience was not the funnest (And this was actually my 3rd MRI in 5 weeks).
I was blessed to find a medical apartment in the Avenues, run by a Bishop of the LDS church. I love Skip, he treated me so well. Thank you Skip. I was also blessed to have a good friend who could stay with me while I was ill. Thank you Lesa. So, we moved in and my sweet mother took me to the grocery store and filled my cupboards. Thank you Mom and Grandma. I know they did this at a sacrifice of keeping food in their own cupboards. So we were now set up with nothing to do but wait to start radiation.
Finally, we got this party started and began radiation. I had thought that this would be such an easy thing to do. The first day I went into radiation, I thought it would be a repeat of what had happened in St. George. Perhaps they would want me to pose in some crazy pretzel stance that I could barely hold 45 seconds and yet they would want 45 minutes of that position. I was greeted by 2 very gorgeous girls who worked as a team to create a cradle for my leg, re-tattooed my leg to line me up, and then got REALLY up close and personal to create a barrier for my, well in the words of Chelsea Handler, my Picachu. And then they did the CT scan and told me that I was set for Radiation. I was amazed. It was nothing like what I had been through during my 3 failed dry runs in St. George. The next day I began to meet some of the people I love. Two of them was Dr. Hitchcock's MA, Karen and her nurse, Julie. Every day they asked me how I was, how I felt, and they had a huge smile for me. And if there was a concern, they addressed it while I was there. Thank you Karen and Julie. As time wore on, I began to realize how very difficult radiation is. It was difficult for me to get dressed, ride to Huntsman, and come home and nap. After 2 weeks of radiation, I was miserable and needed increased pain medication because my leg was beginning to fry like bacon. And I still had an open wound from my biopsy that required to be dressed at least twice a day, if not 3 to 4 times a day. Another miserable part of my days because the last thing I wanted was to have tape ripped off my burnt leg. Eventually, tape became non-existent, but then the trick was to either use netting, which could come loose and not hold in place, or ace bandages that slid down to my knee. Lesa worked very hard to keep my leg dressed on a regular basis.
The last week of August my mom and dad traveled together to come see me. It was great to see both of them. While they were in Salt Lake, I felt like an only child and certainly knew the love of my parents because they overcame their differences and were there for me. We had so much fun together. Mom and Dad wanted to try the nice restaurant at Huntsman, so we went to radiation early so we could eat lunch. It was a blast to have Dad pull out his binoculars to see the valley. And Mom made me laugh as she was so excited to try the different offerings of the Point Restaurant. The next day, we went to see Aunt Zina and April in Layton. We had a good visit but we left there to go get the fresh fruits and vegetables in Brigham City. Then we got real crazy and went to Logan because Mom wanted to go to the dairy. The problem was that we had no idea where the dairy was. So we stopped at the Walgreen's to ask and it turned out we were headed in the right direction. We got cheese and ice cream. I had the most amazing Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Ice Cream Cone. It was very yummy. Mom really wanted to go to Idaho, but I was getting tired, so we went and saw the Logan Temple and the Logan Tabernacle before we went back to Salt Lake. As tired as I was, we had so much fun! I really did feel like an only child with 2 doting parents. The next day, we went to Sacrament Meeting together. I know my Dad had not been to church in at least a year so I was pleased when he went to sacrament meeting with us. This trip really cheered my spirits to keep me going and finish my radiation, regardless of how much I hurt.
Onward and upward and my leg was hurting more and more. And I knew my leg was looking and cooking like bacon. I hurt so much every day. There were days that I really thought to myself that I wanted to die because of the pain. And I wanted to quit at times because of the pain and my impatience to be done and on to the next step, surgery. Finally, the last day of radiation came on September 14th. I made it and there were a lot of days I was not certain I would not. So I went in on my last day of radiation and everybody made a huge deal of it. It was at this point I received my 2nd fleece blanket for finishing radiation. Now I have said this before, but I will say it again, there should be some spa package or cash prize for being able to finish the difficult rigors of radiation. At the end I was left with a severe burn and a large tumor that was supposedly liquid inside.
The radiation experience itself was a trip. Apparently this is the newest in radiation treatment. I would go in and they would line me up according to my tattoos. There were days this went smoothly, other days that I was unsure we would ever get into position. They then swung the table over to the CT scanner, where they scanned my leg. From this scan they would find the exact middle of the mass in the tumor. This would take the physicist a few minutes before they were ready to move the table to it's new position to get the middle. Then, finally I was ready for radiation. The radiation itself took less than 5 minutes, but the entire process took 30 minutes. The one huge blessing in all this was that I just had to lay there on my back and do nothing. The way they were trying to set me up in St. George would have required much more muscle training and uncomfortable positions.
Monday, January 10, 2011
A Thought on "Bridalplasty"
Okay, confession time. Being home and not having a ton of energy, I watch a lot of TV and particularly reality TV. For those of you out of the loop there is a crazy show on the E! network called Bridalplasty. This show invited like 10 or 12 brides to participate in this competition. The girls make a list of plastic surgeries they would like done before their wedding and then compete to be "Top Bride" so they can have one of these procedures done. The ultimate prize is to have their wedding be "perfect" and paid for by the E! network. I don't think perfection is what you should seek for in your wedding, whether the day was perfect or not, you are still married. This is coming from a bride who got married at her very heaviest, loved her $500 wedding dress, and spent less than $4000 on the whole shooting match. Sorry, that is a tangent.
This morning as I was getting into the shower, I thought about this show and what my list would look like if I had to list what I would change if money was no object and I was really that vain. So, here is my list starting at the top and moving down.
1. Lasix eye surgery
2. My teeth completely fixed, maybe even veneers
3. Reduction of the underarm wing span
4. Liposuction and a tummy tuck
5. Less junk in the trunk
6. Liposuction of my thighs
Okay, after thinking about the list I began to think about if I had all these things done, would I find more things in the mirror that need to be changed. Laser hair removal here, larger breasts there, more fat to be sucked from areas. Hmmm. Where does it end? I like my nose today, but if I changed everything about myself, would I still like my cute nose I got from my mother. If I was thinner, or even the physical definition of perfection, would Sebastian love me more? I know Sebastian loves me very much and I don't need to be a size 8 to qualify. Would I have the wonderful friends I have? I think they might hate me because of my vanity.
Then I thought about these brides and their future children. What would this experience teach them? I am not convinced they would learn character or problem solving skills. So, looking at my wing span, or imperfect teeth, I realize that if I had the world's idea of "perfection", I would still have problems, and I would not have the opportunity to laugh at that which is imperfect in me. I don't think God ever meant us to be physically perfect in this life, perfection is very difficult. So I will keep me and let the brides duke it out for their next surgery. I am fine being me!
This morning as I was getting into the shower, I thought about this show and what my list would look like if I had to list what I would change if money was no object and I was really that vain. So, here is my list starting at the top and moving down.
1. Lasix eye surgery
2. My teeth completely fixed, maybe even veneers
3. Reduction of the underarm wing span
4. Liposuction and a tummy tuck
5. Less junk in the trunk
6. Liposuction of my thighs
Okay, after thinking about the list I began to think about if I had all these things done, would I find more things in the mirror that need to be changed. Laser hair removal here, larger breasts there, more fat to be sucked from areas. Hmmm. Where does it end? I like my nose today, but if I changed everything about myself, would I still like my cute nose I got from my mother. If I was thinner, or even the physical definition of perfection, would Sebastian love me more? I know Sebastian loves me very much and I don't need to be a size 8 to qualify. Would I have the wonderful friends I have? I think they might hate me because of my vanity.
Then I thought about these brides and their future children. What would this experience teach them? I am not convinced they would learn character or problem solving skills. So, looking at my wing span, or imperfect teeth, I realize that if I had the world's idea of "perfection", I would still have problems, and I would not have the opportunity to laugh at that which is imperfect in me. I don't think God ever meant us to be physically perfect in this life, perfection is very difficult. So I will keep me and let the brides duke it out for their next surgery. I am fine being me!
Good things about having Cancer
So, I may bewildering some of you by the title but I decided to think about some of the good things about having cancer. There has to be something, right?
1. You find out who your friends are quickly when you are diagnosed with cancer. They are the ones who do not treat you like a walking case of leprosy, tell you look great when you know that a paper bag over your head and a potato sack would enhance the look you are trying to pull off, and hold your hand and laugh at you while you attempt to wallow in self pity.
2. Weight loss! For those of you who do not have a need to shed a few lbs. the cancer weight loss plan will really suck. This does not apply to me. So, I lost 80 pounds in 5 months, thank you Morphine. I doubt that modern medicine will start marketing this narcotic as the new weight loss miracle. So, when I wanted to eat a candy bar or donut, I did not feel bad. But, if the morphine manufacturers change their minds, I am available to be their spokesperson.
3. Laziness. True, you really do not feel like moving or have the energy to stand, but very few people will ask you to bring in the groceries, clean the bathroom, or shovel snow. The trick to keep this going is to act like you would really like to help, or even try to help for a moment before you collapse from lack of energy.
4. You get to drive those little crazy carts at Wal-Mart. It's a trip, you just have to ignore the looks and judgment of others that you do not belong in that cart.
5. Blankets. This may sound odd, but apparently when you have cancer, you have an increased need for fleece blankets. People everywhere have a blanket for you. You may even get one as a "prize" for completing radiation(I think there should be a cash prize or spa package, maybe even a vacation offered to anyone who can finish the rigors of radiation). I am not complaining, they are great, all 4 that I have received, but I wish they were cut a little longer to cover both my shoulders and toes at the same time.
6. You find out what you truly are allergic to in this world. I went into the hospital with a minor allergy and left with 6 items I have severe allergic reactions to. I guess you never know until after they try it on you.
7. Cancer can be used as your go-to excuse. Why aren't you working? I have Cancer. Why do people drop you off at the front door of every place you go and pick you up there when you are ready to leave. Oh, I have cancer. Why did you have a complete come apart when they were out of your favorite whatever (soda, candy, book, use your imagination). Sorry about that, I have cancer. It works, ask my sweet husband.
1. You find out who your friends are quickly when you are diagnosed with cancer. They are the ones who do not treat you like a walking case of leprosy, tell you look great when you know that a paper bag over your head and a potato sack would enhance the look you are trying to pull off, and hold your hand and laugh at you while you attempt to wallow in self pity.
2. Weight loss! For those of you who do not have a need to shed a few lbs. the cancer weight loss plan will really suck. This does not apply to me. So, I lost 80 pounds in 5 months, thank you Morphine. I doubt that modern medicine will start marketing this narcotic as the new weight loss miracle. So, when I wanted to eat a candy bar or donut, I did not feel bad. But, if the morphine manufacturers change their minds, I am available to be their spokesperson.
3. Laziness. True, you really do not feel like moving or have the energy to stand, but very few people will ask you to bring in the groceries, clean the bathroom, or shovel snow. The trick to keep this going is to act like you would really like to help, or even try to help for a moment before you collapse from lack of energy.
4. You get to drive those little crazy carts at Wal-Mart. It's a trip, you just have to ignore the looks and judgment of others that you do not belong in that cart.
5. Blankets. This may sound odd, but apparently when you have cancer, you have an increased need for fleece blankets. People everywhere have a blanket for you. You may even get one as a "prize" for completing radiation(I think there should be a cash prize or spa package, maybe even a vacation offered to anyone who can finish the rigors of radiation). I am not complaining, they are great, all 4 that I have received, but I wish they were cut a little longer to cover both my shoulders and toes at the same time.
6. You find out what you truly are allergic to in this world. I went into the hospital with a minor allergy and left with 6 items I have severe allergic reactions to. I guess you never know until after they try it on you.
7. Cancer can be used as your go-to excuse. Why aren't you working? I have Cancer. Why do people drop you off at the front door of every place you go and pick you up there when you are ready to leave. Oh, I have cancer. Why did you have a complete come apart when they were out of your favorite whatever (soda, candy, book, use your imagination). Sorry about that, I have cancer. It works, ask my sweet husband.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
And put us on hold for now...
After surgery, I returned to Huntsman Cancer Institute on July 5th. I sat with my Mom as we were told that this was a quite unique tumor and that it was more serious than they originally thought, but the plan was radiation and surgery. If they got all of the cancer and I went 1 year with clean scans, I will have beat this monster. (Anyone who knows me, knows that I never do things the easy way.) I came home and began to prepare for radiation at the clinic in St. George. I had thought that I could continue with my internship at Southwest Behavioral Health and just take an hour out of my day to get radiation. Piece of cake, right?
After 3 tries to get me set-up for radiation here in St. George, I became quite frightened. The evening after my third failed attempt, I had to go to the Emergency room to have the sutures removed from my leg, the Dr. had been fearful to remove them at Radiation Therapy because he had not removed sutures. (I thought to myself, "For Heaven's sake, I have removed sutures, it is not that hard!") The ER tech took out the sutures and then placed steri-strips on top. The next morning, this really small wound began to gush quite a bit of fluid. I went to my Summer Group and taught them my prepared lesson as I felt some kind of fluid running down my leg and into my shoe. I went to my Grandma's to have my leg checked by my Mom, and my leg came completely open. We called the doctor and he asked that I come up to Salt Lake the next day and have surgery to revise my wound. So, it just happened to be the day my cute husband was coming out to celebrate our first anniversary, July 13 (Our anniversary was really the 8th but we had a post-ponement due to Simon and Garfunkel-A completely different story that has to do with Sebastian and the rescheduling of concerts multiple times.)I called him as he was leaving for the airport to let him know that we would be driving to Salt Lake the next day for surgery.
At 9PM that evening, I got to see my sweet husband and have his kind arms around me. The next morning, Sebastian got to see new territory, the state of Utah north of Beaver! It was a fun ride as we talked and I got to point out new sites and the temples. He was amazed as I pointed out the Provo, Mount Timpanogas, Oquirh Mountain, and Jordan River temples. we got to Salt Lake a few minutes early and I continued to show Sebastian the city from the vantage point of the Huntsman Hospital's 3rd floor windows. He was disappointed that he could not see the Salt Lake Temple from up here due to the many large buildings downtown Salt Lake. We waited about 3 hours to finally see Dr. Randall in Pre-op. He decided that I should not proceed with surgery because it would delay my treatment and he was worried about me losing my leg. Then he laid the bombshell on us that put us on hold, if I wanted to keep my leg and possibly my life, I needed to seek my radiation treatment here at Huntsman. St. George was not the right place for me to receive treatment.
Meanwhile, I had missed my group several times due to this tumor and my trips to Salt Lake, and my patients that I cared about were being shunted to the other practioners. It was breaking my heart but I knew, I couldn't continue with the pace I was at and the cancer. Being on hold was my only option because I was not ready to leave Sebastian and my family.
While my heart was breaking, my stomach was growling. So, we left the hospital not having surgery to go eat. If you ask my Mom or Grandma, we took them to the ghetto for this meal, I doubt Salt Lake has many ghettos. They thought this because there were some graffiti art on the alley way walls and the elevator was a bit run down. But we had a lovely dinner at Stoneground in downtown Salt Lake. I then had the opportunity to walk the Salt Lake Temple grounds with my cute husband, rather than have surgery. We had a great time and Sebastian was excited to talk to the missionaries.
We returned to St. George the next morning. Mom was driving this time. At one point in Provo, Sebastian turned to me and whispered, "Sweetheart, I love you and I have no regrets. I am glad we are going to die together." It was an interesting ride home.
The next day, my darling husband went to the new Twilight Saga Movie: eclipse. Yes, my husband has seen all the Twilight movies and is happy to watch them with me.
On Saturday, Sebastian and I left for our minimized anniversary celebration. We had a delicious meal that made us want to just sleep, but we had tickets to see Beatles "Love" just like we did on our honeymoon. At this point, I walk a lot slower and stairs are very difficult for me. We got to the theatre walking hand in hand. Just getting there wore me out. Then, we were asked to climb 3 or 4 flights of stairs. All of a sudden it was every man for himself in Sebastian's world. He left me in the dust. When I finally got to our seats, huffing and puffing, well, Love was not so much in the air. He went to put his arm around me when I said something I have never said to Sebastian before. I turned to him and in a growl said, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" This shocked him. Before the show started, we had already made up and were once again holding hands and enjoying each other's company. I loved the show more the second time than I did the first. And I thought the first time was phenomenal!
The next day, Sebastian and I went to the Bellagio to see the Art show at the gallery. It was wonderful, but I started realizing my limitations yet again. I had to leave the gallery twice because I could not stand any longer and there are no seats in the Bellagio gallery. It was lovely to see the gallery installment, but I was physically unable to stand long periods.
Monday morning, after a nice breakfast, I had to, yet again, put my sweet husband on an airplane. I hate these days. I want to cry from the airport back to St. George. Back to reality. When I got home, I had to go and tell my internship supervisor that I had to go to Salt Lake, and the day that had been selected was July 28. I was heart broken to leave because I was having so much fun. So, come July 23, I had my last day at work. I was now on hold, for now...
Friday, January 7, 2011
The Blow that Knocked us down...
I was enjoying my internship thoroughly last June. I had been given my own Summer counseling group with 15 children! It was a huge load for a intern, but I was so excited to tackle the challenge. For some reason I had been getting ill often for the past year and my exhaustion was starting to keep me from doing anything but my internship, including cleaning the house or seeing family and friends.
On June 15th I went to my sweet Grandma's house for lunch. My right leg was hurting and I was finding difficult to stand much longer than 10 minutes. As I sat on her sofa, trying to get the energy to get back to work I looked down at my legs. My right leg was twice the size of my left leg. My Mom freaked because she had experienced DVT's and Phlebitis in her left leg when she was in her early 20's. We went to the Doctor's Free Clinic because, as an intern, I did not have any insurance. The sweet doddling 80-ish doctor stated to us, "Well I have never seen anything like that. I don't know what is going on with your leg."
Three and a half hours later, the sweet ER doctor, who had much fewer years under his belt, came in after I had some blood work and a CT scan and told me that I have cancer. Words will never express what you feel when you hear that statement. I initially thought that maybe it was a minor Cancer that I could overcome easily. The Dr. tried to get me a biopsy that night so that we knew what we were dealing with. The orthopedic docs told him to call the oncologists and the oncologists stated there was no way they were going to touch such a large tumor because they could have spread my cancer if they made a mistake. By large, we are talking about a textbook size tumor, 10 1/2 inches x 7 3/4 inches x 4 1/2 inches.I was sent to the Huntsman Cancer Institute for a biopsy and treatment plan. The entire time I prayed that I could continue with my education with this cancer. How naive I was about being ill and what was ahead of us.
On Father's Day, the sweet Bishop who married Sebastian and I came and gave me a blessing that I would be comforted and strong through what lied ahead of me. we then got in the car and drove to Salt Lake. We got to the hotel about midnight so that we could make our early morning appointment with Dr. Robert Randall, a well renowned Oncological Orthopedic Surgeon and researcher to help find a cure for Sarcomas. He is one of the sweetest doctors I have ever met. He told me that he and his team would stand by my side and get me through cancer. A funny comment he made brought me back to the 80-ish old doctor. Dr. Randall told us that most doctors see 1 to 2 sarcomas in their entire career. I guess that older doctor can retire now, he saw his first Sarcoma. During the appointment, he down-played the seriousness of this tumor. Two days later I had an open biopsy, where they found that I had Mixoid Round Liposarcoma. In layman's terms, this tumor has several different cancer cells within the tumor, it grows in a round fashion (Up and down and deep), and that the tumor lies within my fat cells. But this tumor had also adhered to my Sciatic nerve in 3 spots, which is why I had nerve symptoms. Two days later, I painfully went home with my Mom and Grandma, hopeful this was not going to take over my life.
On June 15th I went to my sweet Grandma's house for lunch. My right leg was hurting and I was finding difficult to stand much longer than 10 minutes. As I sat on her sofa, trying to get the energy to get back to work I looked down at my legs. My right leg was twice the size of my left leg. My Mom freaked because she had experienced DVT's and Phlebitis in her left leg when she was in her early 20's. We went to the Doctor's Free Clinic because, as an intern, I did not have any insurance. The sweet doddling 80-ish doctor stated to us, "Well I have never seen anything like that. I don't know what is going on with your leg."
Three and a half hours later, the sweet ER doctor, who had much fewer years under his belt, came in after I had some blood work and a CT scan and told me that I have cancer. Words will never express what you feel when you hear that statement. I initially thought that maybe it was a minor Cancer that I could overcome easily. The Dr. tried to get me a biopsy that night so that we knew what we were dealing with. The orthopedic docs told him to call the oncologists and the oncologists stated there was no way they were going to touch such a large tumor because they could have spread my cancer if they made a mistake. By large, we are talking about a textbook size tumor, 10 1/2 inches x 7 3/4 inches x 4 1/2 inches.I was sent to the Huntsman Cancer Institute for a biopsy and treatment plan. The entire time I prayed that I could continue with my education with this cancer. How naive I was about being ill and what was ahead of us.
On Father's Day, the sweet Bishop who married Sebastian and I came and gave me a blessing that I would be comforted and strong through what lied ahead of me. we then got in the car and drove to Salt Lake. We got to the hotel about midnight so that we could make our early morning appointment with Dr. Robert Randall, a well renowned Oncological Orthopedic Surgeon and researcher to help find a cure for Sarcomas. He is one of the sweetest doctors I have ever met. He told me that he and his team would stand by my side and get me through cancer. A funny comment he made brought me back to the 80-ish old doctor. Dr. Randall told us that most doctors see 1 to 2 sarcomas in their entire career. I guess that older doctor can retire now, he saw his first Sarcoma. During the appointment, he down-played the seriousness of this tumor. Two days later I had an open biopsy, where they found that I had Mixoid Round Liposarcoma. In layman's terms, this tumor has several different cancer cells within the tumor, it grows in a round fashion (Up and down and deep), and that the tumor lies within my fat cells. But this tumor had also adhered to my Sciatic nerve in 3 spots, which is why I had nerve symptoms. Two days later, I painfully went home with my Mom and Grandma, hopeful this was not going to take over my life.
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