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My Anthems for Now...

I have been listening to a lot of music lately. My cute mom gave me the new Brad Paisley CD for Christmas and when I heard this song for the first time on Monday, I knew that it's words are for me. It is called "No"

On my fifth birthday, I got so upset,
About the brand new bike, that I didn't get.
I'd prayed my heart out, and it didn't seem fair,
I told my grandpa, I guess God doesn't care,
And he just smiled, and said my child,

Make no mistake, every prayer you pray,
gets answered, even though,
sometimes, the answer is no.

Five years later, out behind the shed,
With a stolen pack of grandpa's cigarettes,
I struck a match, and held that first one to my lips,
And prayed to God please let me get away with this,
And through the smoke, I saw grandpa standing there.

Make no mistake, every prayer you pray,
gets answered, even though,
sometimes, the answer is no.

When I think of all the answers in my life, I would have to say,
There's no doubt it was always for the best,
When I didn't get my way.

Grandpa got older, like grandpas do,
His health was failing, and I guess I knew,
It'd be best if he was called on hold,
but selfishly I prayed that God would keep him hanging on,
And when he passed away, in my mind I heard him say.

Make no mistake, every prayer you pray,
gets answered, even though,
sometimes the answer is no.

Sometimes, the answer,
is no.

As I listened to the lyrics of this beautiful song, I thought of 2 things. The first was a time early into my cancer diagnosis and I had to give up my life here in St. George. I prayed to be able to stay or that I would be able to be cured and did not have to give up my life to be sick. Well, the answer was and is No. Looking at this situation I know I can have more empathy for people who are chronically ill or faced with trials they feel is insurmountable. Maybe, I am still doing my internship. but this is my Heavenly Father's internship, his refiner's fire to make me better as a counselor and a person.
The second thought was of my Savior and how he prayed that his very large task be removed from him but he was willing to accept his Father's will. I need to remember as life hits us over and over, Sebastian and I can try to emulate our Savior.
And Yes, I played this song for Sebastian and he immediately asked me to find the lyrics for him. I think it is his anthem as well.

I heard this song about 2 weeks ago and had a similar reaction. As you read through this Sara Evans song, well it is a break-up song, and it is about my break up with cancer and my tumor. Yes, every day I am getting "A little Stronger"

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

The Exile to Salt Lake, being an only child, and Radiation

On July 28, I left hot St. George with my Mom and Grandma. When we got to Salt Lake, we went to see my radiation oncologist. Dr. Hitchcock informed us that while we were there now, she would not begin my radiation until the 9th of August. Over the next week, I had 2 MRI's and a CT scan.
For anyone who has never had an MRI, I would like to explain the experience. When you enter the room for the scan, you see a very narrow table and a machine with a small round hole in the middle. Now, it has not escaped me that I am not the smallest person, and as I looked at the small opening I wondered if I would get stuck. I laid on the table and the technician commenced to strap me to the table with plastic restraints and then he taped my feet together in a not-so-comfortable position. I realized then that perhaps I wasn't into being tied up. Then you are ready for the test to begin. Fortunately, Huntsman not only has ear plugs available, it also has music. The tech placed the headphones on and I felt set. The music was loud, but the machine is MUCH louder. Then the table begins to go through the small hole. Once you are in place, and thoroughly wedged in their, the machine starts up. Now at this moment I thought to myself, what if I was permanently stuck and could not get out? I envisioned a chainsaw and a tech crying over his now demolished machine. This machine is EXTREMELY LOUD and I was worried that I might be deaf when this is done. I imagine it is what it is like to have your head in a large bell as it rings. This machine whines, knocks, and buzzes. Now these scans don't take like 5 minutes, they take 90 minutes. As you are in this machine, mind you it is late July and you are already hot as heck from the cancer, it gets even hotter due to the magnets whirling around you. (This is one of the reasons they ask you about metal in your body and you have to remove anything metallic before the scan begins.) Time seemed to stand still as the machine blared on. Finally the tech tells you in the earphones that the you are to the last part of the scan. That must be the longest 8 minutes. When I got out of this machine, I was drenched with sweat, partially deaf from the loud machine, in immense pain from laying on that hard table and being taped in a awkward position, and starving. My MRI experience was not the funnest (And this was actually my 3rd MRI in 5 weeks).
I was blessed to find a medical apartment in the Avenues, run by a Bishop of the LDS church. I love Skip, he treated me so well. Thank you Skip. I was also blessed to have a good friend who could stay with me while I was ill. Thank you Lesa. So, we moved in and my sweet mother took me to the grocery store and filled my cupboards. Thank you Mom and Grandma. I know they did this at a sacrifice of keeping food in their own cupboards. So we were now set up with nothing to do but wait to start radiation.
Finally, we got this party started and began radiation. I had thought that this would be such an easy thing to do. The first day I went into radiation, I thought it would be a repeat of what had happened in St. George. Perhaps they would want me to pose in some crazy pretzel stance that I could barely hold 45 seconds and yet they would want 45 minutes of that position. I was greeted by 2 very gorgeous girls who worked as a team to create a cradle for my leg, re-tattooed my leg to line me up, and then got REALLY up close and personal to create a barrier for my, well in the words of Chelsea Handler, my Picachu. And then they did the CT scan and told me that I was set for Radiation. I was amazed. It was nothing like what I had been through during my 3 failed dry runs in St. George. The next day I began to meet some of the people I love. Two of them was Dr. Hitchcock's MA, Karen and her nurse, Julie. Every day they asked me how I was, how I felt, and they had a huge smile for me. And if there was a concern, they addressed it while I was there. Thank you Karen and Julie. As time wore on, I began to realize how very difficult radiation is. It was difficult for me to get dressed, ride to Huntsman, and come home and nap. After 2 weeks of radiation, I was miserable and needed increased pain medication because my leg was beginning to fry like bacon. And I still had an open wound from my biopsy that required to be dressed at least twice a day, if not 3 to 4 times a day. Another miserable part of my days because the last thing I wanted was to have tape ripped off my burnt leg. Eventually, tape became non-existent, but then the trick was to either use netting, which could come loose and not hold in place, or ace bandages that slid down to my knee. Lesa worked very hard to keep my leg dressed on a regular basis.
The last week of August my mom and dad traveled together to come see me. It was great to see both of them. While they were in Salt Lake, I felt like an only child and certainly knew the love of my parents because they overcame their differences and were there for me. We had so much fun together. Mom and Dad wanted to try the nice restaurant at Huntsman, so we went to radiation early so we could eat lunch. It was a blast to have Dad pull out his binoculars to see the valley. And Mom made me laugh as she was so excited to try the different offerings of the Point Restaurant. The next day, we went to see Aunt Zina and April in Layton. We had a good visit but we left there to go get the fresh fruits and vegetables in Brigham City. Then we got real crazy and went to Logan because Mom wanted to go to the dairy. The problem was that we had no idea where the dairy was. So we stopped at the Walgreen's to ask and it turned out we were headed in the right direction. We got cheese and ice cream. I had the most amazing Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Ice Cream Cone. It was very yummy. Mom really wanted to go to Idaho, but I was getting tired, so we went and saw the Logan Temple and the Logan Tabernacle before we went back to Salt Lake. As tired as I was, we had so much fun! I really did feel like an only child with 2 doting parents. The next day, we went to Sacrament Meeting together. I know my Dad had not been to church in at least a year so I was pleased when he went to sacrament meeting with us. This trip really cheered my spirits to keep me going and finish my radiation, regardless of how much I hurt.
Onward and upward and my leg was hurting more and more. And I knew my leg was looking and cooking like bacon. I hurt so much every day. There were days that I really thought to myself that I wanted to die because of the pain. And I wanted to quit at times because of the pain and my impatience to be done and on to the next step, surgery. Finally, the last day of radiation came on September 14th. I made it and there were a lot of days I was not certain I would not. So I went in on my last day of radiation and everybody made a huge deal of it. It was at this point I received my 2nd fleece blanket for finishing radiation. Now I have said this before, but I will say it again, there should be some spa package or cash prize for being able to finish the difficult rigors of radiation. At the end I was left with a severe burn and a large tumor that was supposedly liquid inside.
The radiation experience itself was a trip. Apparently this is the newest in radiation treatment. I would go in and they would line me up according to my tattoos. There were days this went smoothly, other days that I was unsure we would ever get into position. They then swung the table over to the CT scanner, where they scanned my leg. From this scan they would find the exact middle of the mass in the tumor. This would take the physicist a few minutes before they were ready to move the table to it's new position to get the middle. Then, finally I was ready for radiation. The radiation itself took less than 5 minutes, but the entire process took 30 minutes. The one huge blessing in all this was that I just had to lay there on my back and do nothing. The way they were trying to set me up in St. George would have required much more muscle training and uncomfortable positions.

A Thought on "Bridalplasty"

Okay, confession time. Being home and not having a ton of energy, I watch a lot of TV and particularly reality TV. For those of you out of the loop there is a crazy show on the E! network called Bridalplasty. This show invited like 10 or 12 brides to participate in this competition. The girls make a list of plastic surgeries they would like done before their wedding and then compete to be "Top Bride" so they can have one of these procedures done. The ultimate prize is to have their wedding be "perfect" and paid for by the E! network. I don't think perfection is what you should seek for in your wedding, whether the day was perfect or not, you are still married. This is coming from a bride who got married at her very heaviest, loved her $500 wedding dress, and spent less than $4000 on the whole shooting match. Sorry, that is a tangent.

This morning as I was getting into the shower, I thought about this show and what my list would look like if I had to list what I would change if money was no object and I was really that vain. So, here is my list starting at the top and moving down.

1. Lasix eye surgery
2. My teeth completely fixed, maybe even veneers
3. Reduction of the underarm wing span
4. Liposuction and a tummy tuck
5. Less junk in the trunk
6. Liposuction of my thighs

Okay, after thinking about the list I began to think about if I had all these things done, would I find more things in the mirror that need to be changed. Laser hair removal here, larger breasts there, more fat to be sucked from areas. Hmmm. Where does it end? I like my nose today, but if I changed everything about myself, would I still like my cute nose I got from my mother. If I was thinner, or even the physical definition of perfection, would Sebastian love me more? I know Sebastian loves me very much and I don't need to be a size 8 to qualify. Would I have the wonderful friends I have? I think they might hate me because of my vanity.

Then I thought about these brides and their future children. What would this experience teach them? I am not convinced they would learn character or problem solving skills. So, looking at my wing span, or imperfect teeth, I realize that if I had the world's idea of "perfection", I would still have problems, and I would not have the opportunity to laugh at that which is imperfect in me. I don't think God ever meant us to be physically perfect in this life, perfection is very difficult. So I will keep me and let the brides duke it out for their next surgery. I am fine being me!

Good things about having Cancer

So, I may bewildering some of you by the title but I decided to think about some of the good things about having cancer. There has to be something, right?

1. You find out who your friends are quickly when you are diagnosed with cancer. They are the ones who do not treat you like a walking case of leprosy, tell you look great when you know that a paper bag over your head and a potato sack would enhance the look you are trying to pull off, and hold your hand and laugh at you while you attempt to wallow in self pity.

2. Weight loss! For those of you who do not have a need to shed a few lbs. the cancer weight loss plan will really suck. This does not apply to me. So, I lost 80 pounds in 5 months, thank you Morphine. I doubt that modern medicine will start marketing this narcotic as the new weight loss miracle. So, when I wanted to eat a candy bar or donut, I did not feel bad. But, if the morphine manufacturers change their minds, I am available to be their spokesperson.

3. Laziness. True, you really do not feel like moving or have the energy to stand, but very few people will ask you to bring in the groceries, clean the bathroom, or shovel snow. The trick to keep this going is to act like you would really like to help, or even try to help for a moment before you collapse from lack of energy.

4. You get to drive those little crazy carts at Wal-Mart. It's a trip, you just have to ignore the looks and judgment of others that you do not belong in that cart.

5. Blankets. This may sound odd, but apparently when you have cancer, you have an increased need for fleece blankets. People everywhere have a blanket for you. You may even get one as a "prize" for completing radiation(I think there should be a cash prize or spa package, maybe even a vacation offered to anyone who can finish the rigors of radiation). I am not complaining, they are great, all 4 that I have received, but I wish they were cut a little longer to cover both my shoulders and toes at the same time.

6. You find out what you truly are allergic to in this world. I went into the hospital with a minor allergy and left with 6 items I have severe allergic reactions to. I guess you never know until after they try it on you.

7. Cancer can be used as your go-to excuse. Why aren't you working? I have Cancer. Why do people drop you off at the front door of every place you go and pick you up there when you are ready to leave. Oh, I have cancer. Why did you have a complete come apart when they were out of your favorite whatever (soda, candy, book, use your imagination). Sorry about that, I have cancer. It works, ask my sweet husband.

And put us on hold for now...

After surgery, I returned to Huntsman Cancer Institute on July 5th. I sat with my Mom as we were told that this was a quite unique tumor and that it was more serious than they originally thought, but the plan was radiation and surgery. If they got all of the cancer and I went 1 year with clean scans, I will have beat this monster. (Anyone who knows me, knows that I never do things the easy way.) I came home and began to prepare for radiation at the clinic in St. George. I had thought that I could continue with my internship at Southwest Behavioral Health and just take an hour out of my day to get radiation. Piece of cake, right?
After 3 tries to get me set-up for radiation here in St. George, I became quite frightened. The evening after my third failed attempt, I had to go to the Emergency room to have the sutures removed from my leg, the Dr. had been fearful to remove them at Radiation Therapy because he had not removed sutures. (I thought to myself, "For Heaven's sake, I have removed sutures, it is not that hard!") The ER tech took out the sutures and then placed steri-strips on top. The next morning, this really small wound began to gush quite a bit of fluid. I went to my Summer Group and taught them my prepared lesson as I felt some kind of fluid running down my leg and into my shoe. I went to my Grandma's to have my leg checked by my Mom, and my leg came completely open. We called the doctor and he asked that I come up to Salt Lake the next day and have surgery to revise my wound. So, it just happened to be the day my cute husband was coming out to celebrate our first anniversary, July 13 (Our anniversary was really the 8th but we had a post-ponement due to Simon and Garfunkel-A completely different story that has to do with Sebastian and the rescheduling of concerts multiple times.)I called him as he was leaving for the airport to let him know that we would be driving to Salt Lake the next day for surgery.
At 9PM that evening, I got to see my sweet husband and have his kind arms around me. The next morning, Sebastian got to see new territory, the state of Utah north of Beaver! It was a fun ride as we talked and I got to point out new sites and the temples. He was amazed as I pointed out the Provo, Mount Timpanogas, Oquirh Mountain, and Jordan River temples. we got to Salt Lake a few minutes early and I continued to show Sebastian the city from the vantage point of the Huntsman Hospital's 3rd floor windows. He was disappointed that he could not see the Salt Lake Temple from up here due to the many large buildings downtown Salt Lake. We waited about 3 hours to finally see Dr. Randall in Pre-op. He decided that I should not proceed with surgery because it would delay my treatment and he was worried about me losing my leg. Then he laid the bombshell on us that put us on hold, if I wanted to keep my leg and possibly my life, I needed to seek my radiation treatment here at Huntsman. St. George was not the right place for me to receive treatment.
Meanwhile, I had missed my group several times due to this tumor and my trips to Salt Lake, and my patients that I cared about were being shunted to the other practioners. It was breaking my heart but I knew, I couldn't continue with the pace I was at and the cancer. Being on hold was my only option because I was not ready to leave Sebastian and my family.
While my heart was breaking, my stomach was growling. So, we left the hospital not having surgery to go eat. If you ask my Mom or Grandma, we took them to the ghetto for this meal, I doubt Salt Lake has many ghettos. They thought this because there were some graffiti art on the alley way walls and the elevator was a bit run down. But we had a lovely dinner at Stoneground in downtown Salt Lake. I then had the opportunity to walk the Salt Lake Temple grounds with my cute husband, rather than have surgery. We had a great time and Sebastian was excited to talk to the missionaries.
We returned to St. George the next morning. Mom was driving this time. At one point in Provo, Sebastian turned to me and whispered, "Sweetheart, I love you and I have no regrets. I am glad we are going to die together." It was an interesting ride home.
The next day, my darling husband went to the new Twilight Saga Movie: eclipse. Yes, my husband has seen all the Twilight movies and is happy to watch them with me.
On Saturday, Sebastian and I left for our minimized anniversary celebration. We had a delicious meal that made us want to just sleep, but we had tickets to see Beatles "Love" just like we did on our honeymoon. At this point, I walk a lot slower and stairs are very difficult for me. We got to the theatre walking hand in hand. Just getting there wore me out. Then, we were asked to climb 3 or 4 flights of stairs. All of a sudden it was every man for himself in Sebastian's world. He left me in the dust. When I finally got to our seats, huffing and puffing, well, Love was not so much in the air. He went to put his arm around me when I said something I have never said to Sebastian before. I turned to him and in a growl said, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" This shocked him. Before the show started, we had already made up and were once again holding hands and enjoying each other's company. I loved the show more the second time than I did the first. And I thought the first time was phenomenal!
The next day, Sebastian and I went to the Bellagio to see the Art show at the gallery. It was wonderful, but I started realizing my limitations yet again. I had to leave the gallery twice because I could not stand any longer and there are no seats in the Bellagio gallery. It was lovely to see the gallery installment, but I was physically unable to stand long periods.
Monday morning, after a nice breakfast, I had to, yet again, put my sweet husband on an airplane. I hate these days. I want to cry from the airport back to St. George. Back to reality. When I got home, I had to go and tell my internship supervisor that I had to go to Salt Lake, and the day that had been selected was July 28. I was heart broken to leave because I was having so much fun. So, come July 23, I had my last day at work. I was now on hold, for now...

The Blow that Knocked us down...

I was enjoying my internship thoroughly last June. I had been given my own Summer counseling group with 15 children! It was a huge load for a intern, but I was so excited to tackle the challenge. For some reason I had been getting ill often for the past year and my exhaustion was starting to keep me from doing anything but my internship, including cleaning the house or seeing family and friends.
On June 15th I went to my sweet Grandma's house for lunch. My right leg was hurting and I was finding difficult to stand much longer than 10 minutes. As I sat on her sofa, trying to get the energy to get back to work I looked down at my legs. My right leg was twice the size of my left leg. My Mom freaked because she had experienced DVT's and Phlebitis in her left leg when she was in her early 20's. We went to the Doctor's Free Clinic because, as an intern, I did not have any insurance. The sweet doddling 80-ish doctor stated to us, "Well I have never seen anything like that. I don't know what is going on with your leg."
Three and a half hours later, the sweet ER doctor, who had much fewer years under his belt, came in after I had some blood work and a CT scan and told me that I have cancer. Words will never express what you feel when you hear that statement. I initially thought that maybe it was a minor Cancer that I could overcome easily. The Dr. tried to get me a biopsy that night so that we knew what we were dealing with. The orthopedic docs told him to call the oncologists and the oncologists stated there was no way they were going to touch such a large tumor because they could have spread my cancer if they made a mistake. By large, we are talking about a textbook size tumor, 10 1/2 inches x 7 3/4 inches x 4 1/2 inches.I was sent to the Huntsman Cancer Institute for a biopsy and treatment plan. The entire time I prayed that I could continue with my education with this cancer. How naive I was about being ill and what was ahead of us.
On Father's Day, the sweet Bishop who married Sebastian and I came and gave me a blessing that I would be comforted and strong through what lied ahead of me. we then got in the car and drove to Salt Lake. We got to the hotel about midnight so that we could make our early morning appointment with Dr. Robert Randall, a well renowned Oncological Orthopedic Surgeon and researcher to help find a cure for Sarcomas. He is one of the sweetest doctors I have ever met. He told me that he and his team would stand by my side and get me through cancer. A funny comment he made brought me back to the 80-ish old doctor. Dr. Randall told us that most doctors see 1 to 2 sarcomas in their entire career. I guess that older doctor can retire now, he saw his first Sarcoma. During the appointment, he down-played the seriousness of this tumor. Two days later I had an open biopsy, where they found that I had Mixoid Round Liposarcoma. In layman's terms, this tumor has several different cancer cells within the tumor, it grows in a round fashion (Up and down and deep), and that the tumor lies within my fat cells. But this tumor had also adhered to my Sciatic nerve in 3 spots, which is why I had nerve symptoms. Two days later, I painfully went home with my Mom and Grandma, hopeful this was not going to take over my life.