Wanting What You Don't Have

Lately, I have been wanting something that is not good for me. (This something in and of itself is wonderful but not right for me at this moment.) Something that would complicate my life so completely and would be so difficult for me to manage. But I want it and sometimes I feel like if I throw a big enough temper tantrum or be good enough, Heavenly Father will honor my request. But this desire has got me thinking why I spend so many hours of my life lusting (that's right, lusting) after something I don't have. And I flashed to the movie "Click". Wouldn't it be fantastic to fast forward to when I feel better and heal from this disease. Fast forward to when my husband will be in the US. Fast forward to when I have an actual job that pays me money and I am using my degree etc etc etc. You get the idea.
Thinking about this would be great for about 12 seconds. If I fast forwarded to being better, well I would miss this time to bond with my family and to rest and to think (Maybe I am doing too much thinking) and to be bored and be confined to bed and learn how strong I am. If I fast forwarded to my husband being here I would miss the opportunity to have that moment when I know this dream is coming true and the strength this struggle has given me and the patience I think I am suppose to be learning and what it truly takes for someone outside of the US to come and work and live in the US. If I fast forward to having a job then I miss the opportunity of learning what these last 400 hours of internship will teach me and the struggle to be a good therapist and the education my supervisor can give me and the fun of job interviews. All good lessons right?
So, my thought for today is to be thankful for what I have right now and know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who does indeed have a plan for me. I don't have to tackle all the trials of the world (fast forwarding would make me have to make a lot of decisions in a very short time), I just have to tackle today and today's challenges. So, I am going to try and stop wanting what don't have right now and live in the now.
PS If you see me next week complaining, remind me that I said this. I will probably forget.

A much needed thought on Gratitude

Once a year, we all sit down at the dining table around a turkey and think about what we have to be grateful for. And it is easy to run through the rest of the year not giving a second thought to where all our many blessings come from. I am guilty of this crime. For the past few weeks I have been feeling a bit blue and had a day yesterday that showed me two lessons and reminded me to look up once in awhile. The first lesson is that it is not all about me. Being ill and struggling, it is so easy to get lost in the thought that I am the center of the universe. Now that is a huge job and as such every mis-said word is meant as a dig of hatred. Every careless action is meant to offend. Well, I have to face facts, I am not the center of the universe, everyone around me is just as human as I am, and I need to be more open to letting things go as quickly as they happen. I had breakfast with an old friend and his wife and baby yesterday. I talked their ears off. I barely ate because I was so busy talking about myself. As I drove home, I was embarrassed. This was my first meeting with this friend's wife, and I had barely learned much about her. And as-not-the-center-of-the-universe, I don't need to disclose every detail of my life to my friends. So, it is officially OK to shut me up if I get going and you think I need to be quiet.
The second lesson occurred later in the day. I went to my wound clinic appointment. As the Nurse Practioner was cleaning up my leg and doing a bit of scraping, she asked me if I needed something to numb my leg. I immediately said thanks but no thanks. The nurse laughed a bit and she said she had forgot, I was strong and determined and never took the numbing meds. I had forgot how very strong I am. I have beaten MANY things in my life, I am in the process of beating cancer, and will continue to fight and conquer things as long as I draw breath. I need to remember my strength and stop feeling bad for myself. I have had a bad case of Poor-Me lately and it is uncalled for. I am SO BLESSED!!! Why would I be running around saying I am so picked on when, quite frankly, I don't have a leg to stand on. My cute aunt told me about her "Gratitude Journal" that she writes in every night, maybe that is a practice I need to do more often. So, the short list of blessings today is my comfortable bed, an understanding family (hopefully) that will forgive me for my recent funk, my wonderful sweetheart who has been so kind as I have been trying to figure all of this out, a mother and grandmother who have been so generous and wonderful and have stood by me as I have gone through cancer, and a home, food to eat, air to breath (that is clean and not filled with radiation), and a sometimes good mind. I think the problem I sometimes run into is I am so impatient. As I was talking about my life with my friend I talked about why my husband and I are still separated. I said, "Well the fact is that Sebastian has a job in Canada that pays the bills and I don't. So I guess he needs to stay there until the situation is different." I had such a peaceful feeling as I said this and an increasing feeling that we will not be separated too much longer and that we will be blessed for our patience. I feel that was the spirit telling me something I have prayed for so fervently. Another blessing I should be grateful for, the inspiration of the Holy Ghost. As I told Sebastian this he also felt peaceful and that this was true. The second part of that is that I don't have to be the strongest person in the world every day because I am human and weak. It is OK to ask for help and take the assistance that is available to me.
So, my message today to myself and anyone else who can relate to what I am saying is that we have a loving Heavenly Father who loves and blesses us abundantly every moment of every day. All we need to do is notice. And if we don't, He is willing to forgive us and continue to bless us. Thank heavens because I know I cannot make it through each day without Him.
Jamie
P.S. I would like to publicly apologize to my friend and his darling wife, My Mom, My Grandma, My husband, and my family who I have dumped on for the past little bit.