Reflection and A Plan

This past year has been the most difficult year of my entire life. I told Sebastian when we got engaged that we had to get married in 2009. I just had this feeling about 2010, and the feeling was right, just not in a happy direction. It is a blessing we did get married because I may have opted to simplify my life and exclude a long distance relationship. I am thankful we did marry and I have my sweet husband with me. This time last year I had been forced to quit my Internship, leave the comforts of my home and family, live in a medical apartment, and to endure daily radiation treatments that completely sapped me of energy and severely burned my thigh. I was in constant pain and simply put, miserable. There were days I wanted to just quit because it was too hard. And here I am today, just finished with my Masters degree, scarred but still around, and starting on a new adventure.
I have been hinting around about this but my new journey started in April of this year. Conference Saturday in April to be exact. I had slept late and missed the first session of General Conference. I had the opportunity to watch the last couple of talks and vowed I would listen to the replay on KBYU. No sooner had they said amen in the prayer that my telephone began to ring. It was my Grandma and she was asking me if I had heard the news. I told her what happened and then she told me that they had announced the building of the Winnipeg temple. I began to cry, Grandma had the same reaction. I knew I was suppose to be in Winnipeg, I was suppose to be there and a part of this progress. This feeling scared me and overwhelmed me. For one thing, I felt I could not leave my Dad in his health condition. I also knew that it would be career suicide. I fought against this feeling but I knew what I knew and I knew that I was, yet again being called on a "mission". I went back to my internship and I worried about the next step that would come in August. I wanted to stay at Southwest but I knew there was not a job. In fact I knew there was not any jobs in Utah. My time in Utah was coming to an end. It scared the crud out of me. Sebastian and I went back and forth trying to figure out what we wanted next. That feeling of being needed in Winnipeg persisted but I could not see a way that we could make my career work in Canada. I finally decided that I was just going to start sending out my resume and see what happened. I sent out 20 resumes in one day. I got a couple of responses that the jobs no longer existed but "thank you for (my) interest." Then I had one come back that she wanted to talk to me about the possibility of offering me a job. This job is in Devil's Lake, North Dakota. This is the job that is the very closest to Sebastian. I could drive home on the weekends, be apart of Sebastian's ward and start my new "mission". I have since interviewed with the district supervisor and had several correspondance with the woman who will be my direct supervisor. She has talked to me about housing in the area and how I can commute home to Canada. I meet her and the district supervisor in person on the 31st of August. I expect a forthcoming job offer. So I am flying to be with my sweet husband on Thursday August 25th. we have reached the end of being a part. Even if I do not get the job, I no longer have a reason to not be with my husband so I choose Sebastian and my marriage. But I have put this in my Heavenly Father's hands and I believe he has prepared a promising and wonderful next step for me. If I come back to St. George in September, it will be to move my belongings. Move my belongings half way across the country. It is a scary move but I am excited for this step, this progress in my, our family. So, when Stacy Schimbeck made the joke last Sunday about being asked to speak in Sacrament meeting but "they weren't moving" I think I laughed the loudest because yes, this Sunday is my last Sunday in the Washington 5th ward and No, I am not scheduled to speak in church. So, here is for progress and thank heavens I made it through the dark times to come out on the other side and enjoy the next part of my journey. I know that many people have blessed our lives this past little bit and have kept me in their prayers.

TIME?!?!

time...Time...TIME...Argh it keeps ticking and at the very same time it is never moving fast enough. I finish my internship on August 14. The goal has been so hard to get to, and yet I worry I will never make it. I do go to work but it is definately more difficult to get out of bed and get there. And it is even more difficult when I see my bills piling up and yet no pay check. So while I am running as fast as I can to the finish line, I am so very scared about getting there and having to get a job, if I will get a job, and where that will be.
Sebastian and I have gone back and forth for awhile as to what comes next. I was told that the door really is closed on a job at Southwest Behavioral Health, and the pickin's are slim here in Utah. So where? Sebastian applied for a director of security job there in Winnipeg. It would be such a great opportunity for him but I am worried about my career. I know that sounds selfish and I need to think as a we, but I have gone to school for what seems like forever and will not really be able to do much therapy in Canada with a Masters degree. My work would be more case management. I love my husband and we need to finally live in the same country/city/home finally! So I feel conflicted. In April when the Winnipeg temple was announced, I had a feeling that I should be in Winnipeg. I told Sebastian I will give it a year, but I know it is almost career suicide to not work on licensing this first year. I will know more about all of this soon because I am going to Winnipeg the end of August to spend time with Sebastian, but I am going to try and interview for jobs. Really, I need a job for my sanity and my ability to feel good about my abilities, much less the bills and the goose egg in the bank account. I guess I could use some divine intervention. So time is my enemy, for now.

An attempt to not be Debbie Downer (A nod to all of those SNL fans)

I feel like lately I have been Debbie Downer. I get through one challenge only to have something new to complain about. So, I am going to briefly update what is happening with my leg and then talk about more pleasant topics. On April 18, Dr. Booth decided that the tunnel in my leg would not heal without intervention. He numbed my leg and then with a scalpel, cut open my leg down to the tunnel so that my leg could heal from the base up to the surface. I know it seems strange to cut a leg open to heal it, but my tunnel would persist, be an area for possible infection and continued drainage. This was a painful procedure and I did not recover like I thought I should. I went back on Thursday, and Dr. Booth had determined that I had cellulitis in my leg, but it was not in my wound, but in the area that I have had problems with scar tissue and suspected an additional tumor. He told me to go the ER and that I would be in patient for 2 to 3 days if it was simply cellulitis, but if it was an abscess, I needed to head back to Salt Lake for more surgery and interventions. I was scared and wouldn't you know it, it was one of the few times I went alone to wound clinic. I went and picked up Kortney and hugged Grandma as I headed to the ER. Once there, I was treated like a hypochondriac who did not know what she was talking about. The ball had been dropped between the old campus of the hospital and the new hospital. After 4 hours at the ER, they had determined that it was cellulitis but my white count was not high enough to be too concerned. (Apparently I can show up normal on blood work and yet have cancer-That was 15 months ago.) So I was referred to Infusion therapy through the holiday weekend to receive daily infusions of Rocefin and to take it easy and try and elevate my leg as much as possible. No problem because all I wanted to do was sleep, I felt like crud. I am now on more oral antibiotics and trying to feel stronger, but my allergies are also kicking my trash. This week I was referred for Hyperbaric therapy. I thought it was no big deal before I saw what that entails. Hyperbaric treatment involves wearing this clear plastic hood over your head with it locked on a collar you put on first so that you get 100% oxygen while you are in this pressurized tank. Did not look like a pleasure cruise to me. I would also have to get my little friend back on my leg. My little friend is a temperamental little machine called a wound vac. The other difficulty is that they want me to commit to 2 hour sessions 5 days a week for 6 weeks. That is a huge commitment to accompany my internship.
Okay, on to pleasantries. I am going back to Southwest Mental Health Youth Division for my final 15 weeks of internship. This is where I did my first 30 weeks and I enjoyed it immensely. It is difficult to work with children, but I love thinking that if I can teach an 8 year old a skill that will serve them the rest of their lives, how much happier they will be. I have run into some wonderful, fun kids there and I am glad they can accommodate me for these final weeks. I was really concerned that I did not have an internship site because I am so close to finishing that no one would want to invest the time in me. I start back on Monday, May 2nd. I will be working with a different population these final weeks. I will be working with troubled teenage boys. I love helping kids and seeing them learn something about themselves that can enhance their lives. Not to mention, I get to play with toys, draw and color, and play all day long. It is fabulous. The other good news is that I am graduating with my Masters in Counseling-Mental Health on Saturday May 7th. And I am walking at graduation. I decided that I need to celebrate the good things in my life. I had wanted to have all my family and my cute husband to be there but the fates did not quite align for that to happen. I am going to graduation with very exceptional parents whom I know I could not have survived without during this last part of my life. We will have to all celebrate during my birthday in July. I have realized that any graduation is worth celebrating, any victory is worth celebrating because life is short and we should be trying to build each other up rather than the doldrums of every day. That is the other bit of good news. I am going to have another birthday this year. And as much as I would rather be turning 26 than 36, I am glad that my Heavenly Father gave me another year in this mortal existence and I am excited to have my family including my cute husband around me while I blow out my candles. Thank heavens there is a bright side to every dark cloud.

A Great Weekend and Some Weird Thoughts

This past weekend was such a good one for Sebastian and I. My cute husband went for a job interview a few weeks ago for a part-time job. He thought the interview went very well and was excited he had a chance to try and sharpen his interview skills. After 10 days or so, Sebastian commented to me that he was certain he had done well in this interview and was excited for the 2nd job, but since he had not heard from them he did not think he got the job. Friday, he received an email extending the position to him. He was thrilled that this had turned out well and laughed that he quickly gave up when I told him that he may still have the job. Monday he signed the offer and was pleased to find that he would be compensated well at this part-time job. It was great news for us as I have been out of work for 16 months with the internship and the cancer.
Saturday morning was the beginning of General Conference. Due to my sleeping problems, I did not fall asleep until almost 4 AM the night before and did not wake up until 11. I turned on conference and watched the last hour and resolved to watch it on KBYU to catch up. No sooner had "Amen" been said to the closing prayer, when my phone began to ring. It was my Grandma and she was asking if I had watched conference. I felt a little embarassed because of my sleeping late and quickly explained myself. Sweet Grandma had called to ask if I had heard the news. The news that had caused her to burst into tears was that they were building a temple in Winnipeg Canada. I began to weep as she told me this marvelous news and felt stirred that these 2 happenings may be a sign to me. I know the worth of a born-and-raised-Utah Mormon in the "mission field" who is also a returned missionary. It benefits the ward they land in greatly and I know Sebastian's ward in Winnipeg was thrilled at the thought of me joining their numbers. Well, I called my sweetheart to tell him and he was shocked that his little stake had finally got the temple they prayed so ferverently for. We listened to the anouncement together. It was such a faith building moment for me. The temple is such a great blessing and a responsibility. It reaffirmed my commitment to go and be sealed to Sebastian soon.
So the strange thoughts. Originally, we had planned that I would move to Canada and build our life there. I then had some bad experiences in Winnipeg and then found out that my work in Canada would be as a case manager and not a therapist because I do not have my doctorate, yet. That had us back at the drawing board for a new plan. we decided that economically and emotionally it would be more beneficial to make our life in the US, wherever I got a job. This was the plan and then cancer happened. So I have been at a stalemate for the past 9 months. So I began to think, maybe these things were a "sign" that we should make life in Canada. This thought totally feels foreign. It is also very difficult for me because my Dad is ill and I worry. I have been his caretaker for the past few years and the thought of not doing that (He has stated that he will NOT move) worries me immensely. Now, I am not packing yet, I just put the option back on the table for my husband. I listened through conference and was moved to hear about enduring trials and being charitable and the sanctity of families. I felt spiritually fed but confused about the next few months and our future. Thank heavens for modern day revelation. And now I need to go forward with faith and find out what life has in store for us in the next few months as I graduate and finish my internship and begin to look for employment.

Waiting for the leg to heal

This past week, I had a bit of a set back. Perhaps I should give some background to why all this has hit me so oddly. I have sensitive skin and it has made this whole cancer thing more difficult. I burned like a Crisco-covered banana from the radiation. And when wound specialists tell you this is one of the most remarkable burns they have ever seen, it is not a compliment. Then we discovered my massive allergy to tape and how the thing that was keeping my wound covered was basically eating my skin. Next, I had problems with sutures in my leg and having those wonderful wound specialists state that my leg looks "angry" and inflamed. I did not know that a limb could have such emotions. Perhaps I can also state that my arm fat looks sad and my cheeks feel proud. Anyway, I think at least 1 round of my antibiotics can be attributed to my "angry" leg and not infection. And it does cause me to have moments, please forgive me for my weakness, when I wonder why I didn't just give up and tell them to go ahead and cut it off. I did tell them (My surgeons) once that I was ready to cut my leg off and get on with my life. And I felt peaceful about the decision and was able to see the benefit of not going through all this wound healing and having a cancerous limb removed, but I could not accept an amputation very close to my hip. I also wondered what they would do with the leg and envisioned (although I am certain this is not what would happen to it) a landfill with limbs and my big ole fat leg laying on top. I even thought of those New Testament verses that spoke about if we have a part of our being that offends us, to pluck it out and rid ourselves of it. Well right leg, as good as you have been to me for awhile, you have offended me now for about a year. Yes it was a year ago this month that I noticed this lump and hardness in my leg. But then I go to Wal-Mart and run into people I haven't seen since this all began and notice how they stare at my leg or check to see if I still have 2 legs, yes, I have had people count my limbs cuz they thought I had plucked my offensive part from me. And even when I notice how weak my leg is, or how much my stupid knee hurts, and even when I feel how deformed the back of my leg is, I realize that I am a fighter! I didn't give up! And I continue to fight until the fight is won. So, I guess I choose this path and accept the road this choice puts me on.
So, the set back. On Monday I went on to the wound clinic for my normal visit. (Another digression: The people at the wound clinic here in St George are phenomenal!!! I always get a good laugh with the techs, I am treated with love and respect, and have individuals who care for me like a family member with genuine concern and compassion, There, that is my plug.) As Deidre, my Nurse Practioner was cleaning up my wound, she realized that as she rinsed my wound with saline it was coming out of a hole from my stitches 3 inches up my leg. This indicates that I have yet another tunnel. And my leg was looking uber "angry" and I still had stitches in my leg from my surgery 5 weeks ago. I returned to the wound clinic on Tuesday and had these very ingrown stitches removed. One of the doctors was certain that as soon as I bore weight, my leg would split open. He even said he would have bet a $100. Man I could have used that money! So, I have been confined to my bed and limited walking, sitting, and standing since Tuesday. As of today, Friday, my leg is still together and I am fighting to have it stay together. I would rather not experience the tearing of a wound opening up yet again. I did that last July and it scared the crud out of me. so, my organized mess of a house is not so organized and the mess is becoming quite bad, but my leg isn't open. On the dim side, I was told that even if it does stay together but does not heal properly or quickly, they will open up the leg anyway. It makes me think I am fighting for the losing side. So I talk to my leg and tell it to heal correctly, to think healing thoughts-if it can have emotions, I am sure it can think- and to behave himself. Don't ask me why, but my naughty leg is a he.
So, like watching paint dry and the grass grow, I wait for my leg to heal and hope I can get back to my life soon.

Wanting What You Don't Have

Lately, I have been wanting something that is not good for me. (This something in and of itself is wonderful but not right for me at this moment.) Something that would complicate my life so completely and would be so difficult for me to manage. But I want it and sometimes I feel like if I throw a big enough temper tantrum or be good enough, Heavenly Father will honor my request. But this desire has got me thinking why I spend so many hours of my life lusting (that's right, lusting) after something I don't have. And I flashed to the movie "Click". Wouldn't it be fantastic to fast forward to when I feel better and heal from this disease. Fast forward to when my husband will be in the US. Fast forward to when I have an actual job that pays me money and I am using my degree etc etc etc. You get the idea.
Thinking about this would be great for about 12 seconds. If I fast forwarded to being better, well I would miss this time to bond with my family and to rest and to think (Maybe I am doing too much thinking) and to be bored and be confined to bed and learn how strong I am. If I fast forwarded to my husband being here I would miss the opportunity to have that moment when I know this dream is coming true and the strength this struggle has given me and the patience I think I am suppose to be learning and what it truly takes for someone outside of the US to come and work and live in the US. If I fast forward to having a job then I miss the opportunity of learning what these last 400 hours of internship will teach me and the struggle to be a good therapist and the education my supervisor can give me and the fun of job interviews. All good lessons right?
So, my thought for today is to be thankful for what I have right now and know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who does indeed have a plan for me. I don't have to tackle all the trials of the world (fast forwarding would make me have to make a lot of decisions in a very short time), I just have to tackle today and today's challenges. So, I am going to try and stop wanting what don't have right now and live in the now.
PS If you see me next week complaining, remind me that I said this. I will probably forget.

A much needed thought on Gratitude

Once a year, we all sit down at the dining table around a turkey and think about what we have to be grateful for. And it is easy to run through the rest of the year not giving a second thought to where all our many blessings come from. I am guilty of this crime. For the past few weeks I have been feeling a bit blue and had a day yesterday that showed me two lessons and reminded me to look up once in awhile. The first lesson is that it is not all about me. Being ill and struggling, it is so easy to get lost in the thought that I am the center of the universe. Now that is a huge job and as such every mis-said word is meant as a dig of hatred. Every careless action is meant to offend. Well, I have to face facts, I am not the center of the universe, everyone around me is just as human as I am, and I need to be more open to letting things go as quickly as they happen. I had breakfast with an old friend and his wife and baby yesterday. I talked their ears off. I barely ate because I was so busy talking about myself. As I drove home, I was embarrassed. This was my first meeting with this friend's wife, and I had barely learned much about her. And as-not-the-center-of-the-universe, I don't need to disclose every detail of my life to my friends. So, it is officially OK to shut me up if I get going and you think I need to be quiet.
The second lesson occurred later in the day. I went to my wound clinic appointment. As the Nurse Practioner was cleaning up my leg and doing a bit of scraping, she asked me if I needed something to numb my leg. I immediately said thanks but no thanks. The nurse laughed a bit and she said she had forgot, I was strong and determined and never took the numbing meds. I had forgot how very strong I am. I have beaten MANY things in my life, I am in the process of beating cancer, and will continue to fight and conquer things as long as I draw breath. I need to remember my strength and stop feeling bad for myself. I have had a bad case of Poor-Me lately and it is uncalled for. I am SO BLESSED!!! Why would I be running around saying I am so picked on when, quite frankly, I don't have a leg to stand on. My cute aunt told me about her "Gratitude Journal" that she writes in every night, maybe that is a practice I need to do more often. So, the short list of blessings today is my comfortable bed, an understanding family (hopefully) that will forgive me for my recent funk, my wonderful sweetheart who has been so kind as I have been trying to figure all of this out, a mother and grandmother who have been so generous and wonderful and have stood by me as I have gone through cancer, and a home, food to eat, air to breath (that is clean and not filled with radiation), and a sometimes good mind. I think the problem I sometimes run into is I am so impatient. As I was talking about my life with my friend I talked about why my husband and I are still separated. I said, "Well the fact is that Sebastian has a job in Canada that pays the bills and I don't. So I guess he needs to stay there until the situation is different." I had such a peaceful feeling as I said this and an increasing feeling that we will not be separated too much longer and that we will be blessed for our patience. I feel that was the spirit telling me something I have prayed for so fervently. Another blessing I should be grateful for, the inspiration of the Holy Ghost. As I told Sebastian this he also felt peaceful and that this was true. The second part of that is that I don't have to be the strongest person in the world every day because I am human and weak. It is OK to ask for help and take the assistance that is available to me.
So, my message today to myself and anyone else who can relate to what I am saying is that we have a loving Heavenly Father who loves and blesses us abundantly every moment of every day. All we need to do is notice. And if we don't, He is willing to forgive us and continue to bless us. Thank heavens because I know I cannot make it through each day without Him.
Jamie
P.S. I would like to publicly apologize to my friend and his darling wife, My Mom, My Grandma, My husband, and my family who I have dumped on for the past little bit.