Goodbye Winter, I hope.

It occured to me a bit ago that I am going through a completely unique experience here in Winnipeg. Canada. I have never lived where it is so cold (Although we have had it mild) that you have to plug in your car to keep the engine from completely freezing.

we got snow on occasion, but here, it is more of a constant in our lives from late October through what would be Spring in sunny St. George. I see it differently, and one day, snow showed me it's uniqueness as we were hustling to the car.

A white view is what we see from our front door every day.

So this post is my formal thank you to Ole Man Winter for not being as cruel as I know he can be. And at times showing ordinary objects in a beautiful way.




Nature is crying to me that it is ready to re-emerge. I heard the birds singing and I found this in my back yard.

This is a picture of paw prints of a cottontail rabbit. I believe it is the same one that was hanging around our house in the fall (I saw him the other day). I have named him Twitchy. So, welcome Spring. I do not need the Ground Hog to tell me that winter is coming to a close.

I Hate January

I hate January! How can you hate a month, you may ask? Every year, it seems to be the hardest month for me emotionally and I am not sure why. Every year I get the blues for these 31 cold, depressing days. Maybe it is just my chemistry, or I am sad that the holidays are over, or I am contemplative of what goals I did not accomplish last year and if I should bother doing that again. I am not sure, but I do know this is something that has plagued me for many years. So I want to dedicate this post to my patient, sweet husband who has not divorced me over my foul mood, yet, and I remind him that we only have 3 cruddy, no good days left.
This past 6 months have been amazing and depressing all at the same time.
The Amazing
Last August, I accomplished something I was not sure I would be able to do, I graduated with my Masters degree in Mental Health Counseling. It was tough and I met many challenges along my path. I did walk in graduation in May and I knew I could kick butt through those last 15 weeks of Internship, but to actually get to the end and know I really had finished the fight was, well, it was amazing.
Sebastian and I fell in love, hard. We got married and had a naive plan on how to live in the same home, area, time zone, country, you know, near each other. No plans ever shook out for us and it was frustrating. On August 25th I boarded an airplane with the intent of living with my husband. It was miraculous, amazing, that we had finally overcome my schooling, had a job, and cancer to get to this point. I cherish that we got here, finally, and that we are able to see each other daily, not bi-monthly.
I got a job in a recession. AMAZING. It isn't my first choice and not the area of the US I would like to live in, but it is right and it is where I am suppose to be. It is by divine design that I found this job and was the candidate they selected for the position.
My new ward is fantastic and they have really made me feel welcome. I am a stranger in a strange land, but I know when I am at church, that is not the case. I am blessed and amazed to have a ward family, particularly Relief Society, that treats me like I have been there forever.
Not so Amazing
I am not trying to complain but these months have been challenging. For one thing, my leg ha acted up and been a source of much frustration and pain since October. Not so amazing.
I have been playing the waiting game since September 2, 2011. I am impatient and I really hate waiting. It can be such a source of aggravation and depression for me. On September 2nd I was offered my job. Then I had to wait for the North Dakota Board to review my schooling and decide if I was qualified to take the National Boards. Once that was approved and I filled out the next set of paperwork and paid the next hefty fee, I had to wait for the National Board to verify I had been qualified by the state of North Dakota. Then I had to wait for my confirmation. Once I had confirmation I scheduled to take the National Counselor Examination, but I had to wait 3 weeks until they allowed for me to sit for the exam. I knew that day I had passed but I had to wait for the National Board to send my passing score back to North Dakota. Then I had to wait for my old professor to FINALLY write the letter I asked her to send in September. Once my file was complete I had to wait for the North Dakota Board to meet and issue my license. So, after all of this waiting and hoops I have been jumping through, I will have my LAPC (Means I am a new counselor working to complete more internship hours) on February 1st. All this waiting has made me crazy, but I have gone from sitting and waiting to the rush to find a place to live in North Dakota and a start date of my job that I was hired for on September 2nd. I start on February 6. Not so amazing.
Living in a house with my very different and opposite mother-in-law. Not so amazing.
And, my most recent stint of having a fender bender with a public transit bus this past Tuesday. Scared me to death. I was going to pick Sebastian up from work. I was so excited. I had found the apartment and I knew I would finally start working, and it was date night. I had 3 different impressions to do something different that would have kept me from being in that intersection at that moment. I ignored all 3. So, I was 2 blocks from our house when I saw a bus barreling towards me. It scared me because these roads are narrow and covered with ice, so I stepped on the brakes. I must have hit them too hard because I then started to skid. I clipped the driver's side front wheel and hit my mirror. It broke the glass in the mirror and our steering is tight, but I know it could have been so much worse. I was fortunate that the bus was a training bus and no passengers were aboard. The curse was that this was a training bus and the inexperienced bus driver should have known not to come blazing down our road. The whole experience really shook me up and I have been even deeper in a funk these past few days. We will have the car looked at on Monday, and I hope that the damage is minimal. We shall see. Not so amazing.

I know I am blessed beyond measure and I need to break out of this depressed mood. I saw a quote today and it got me thinking. It said, "What if we woke up tomorrow with only those things we thanked God for today." Perspective, yes. As tough as things are, I have some pretty amazing things happening and I need to remember to be grateful and that even my lumps have a sugar coating.

Understand Why

As I was getting ready to right this long overdue update I kept chanting to myself, "You have to be upbeat. Keep it happy." I am hopeful that I can do this but it has been a trying few months.
The Leg
I try to pretend that I am normal and have not had major problems with my leg. I guess I am still in a bit of denial about my cancer, kind of weird, I know. On Sebastian's birthday I became extremely ill. So ill, that he had to hold me up in the shower and wash me while I cried from the pain. My leg had yet another flair up of Cellulitis. I did not ever want to revisit being that ill but it came. I started antibiotics and was hoping to be on the road to wellness. It seemed like that was the case when I started feeling ill again on Halloween night. I tried to sleep it off, but landed back at the clinic with a recurrence of Cellulitis. This happened once more before my trip to Utah. While home for my Pre-Christmas visit, I saw my doctor. He was so beyond fantastic to me. He reassured me and told me he was willing to do anything I needed until I was up and going at my new job and had a doctor here in North Dakota. He gave me a prescription with refills and said call and he would renew or prescribe more meds as necessary. It was a huge weight off of my shoulders. Then I forgot the prescription on the kitchen table the day I flew back to Winnipeg. I called my Dad the next day and begged him to get it off to me just in case. I had been through this endless pain and frustration of a broken leg and I liked having the 45 day supply of meds. Well Christmas and Boxing Day came, New Years was on there and the snail like postal system continued to frustrate me. I was fine until January 2nd. Within an hour I went from feeling so-so to laying in my bed shivering and praying to feel better. Back to being as ill as I was in October. Sebastian was ready to take me back to the clinic but I knew I had meds somewhere between here and Utah so I refused. I guess I became delirious that evening and Sebastian claims he now has an idea of what drunk Jamie may look like. We got the fever to break before bedtime and my Mother-in-law stayed home to ensure I was OK the next morning. The meds came at Noon and I was feeling better by dinnertime. All this has led to such a frustration of WHY?! I know in life we are left with a big question mark over our heads asking what can I do and why is this happening. I don't have the answer, but I have hope. I received a priesthood blessing from the missionaries (That was a trip, we had to consecrate the oil and the whole bit) and I have prayed to be healed without further surgery. I just got healed up from my surgeries in 2010. I also had some very spiritual experiences when I was so very ill and laying in bed. I guess I am just looking for meaning in all of this.
The Job
First of all, I am used to being busy, very busy. This waiting around has been hard but part of me (Back to the Why question) thinks the waiting has been by divine design while I had this trouble with my leg. I took my National Exam the morning of my 3rd flair up with the leg, fever and all. This test has 200 questions with 40 of those being practice questions for future exams (You don't know which ones). So it is scored out of 160. I got 134 and passed with flying colors. I needed to score a minimum of 91 to pass. My hard work paid off. Then it has been more of the waiting. But I know for a fact that I will be licensed on February 1st. I have started to try and find a place to live in North Dakota, hard when I am up here in Winnipeg, but I have faith that it will all work out. I know Heavenly Father brought me here and will put me in path He has designed for me. I just keep moving forward. And I guess then I will rejoin the working class and move forward. I am looking forward to be back to a wage earner, it has been 2 years. But I am scared to death about all the responsibilities of my new job.
Trip Home
I got to come home to Utah to visit in December. I was so excited to see my family and spend time with them. It was mire difficult then I had expected. It is said that you can't go home and I learned the meaning of this. I had been gone for 3 1/2 months and many things were different and I did not feel I had a place there like I did before. It was weird. I went through a bit of that when I came home from Salt Lake after the whole cancer thing, but not like this. I will always love my family, that will never change. But in the process of this trip, I realized that my family is Sebastian. I missed him so much and wished he was there sharing experiences with me. I did not see as many people as I wanted to or spend as much time as I would have liked, but I am glad I made the trip. The night before I left we had kind of a family "Christmas Party". It was fun and I hope it is something we will do again.
Sebastian and I
Sebastian and I are doing well. We hit our little rocks in the road but we are overcoming and growing together. We have made a goal to be sealed in the St. George Temple this year. That will mean a few milestones for Sebastian, Melchizedek Priesthood, Endowments, but we are ready and moving forward. We are liking the extra time together but realize that is soon coming to an end. It will be hard being apart during the week but we know it is only temporary and soon we will be on the other side of yet another hurdle. In the pictures you will see one of us out to eat. That was us ditching the Stake New Years Eve party. We showed up and there was no where to sit, weird music being played , and Filipino food that we were not big fans of so we snuck out and went to Applebee's. Yet another memory we have made together. It is nice to know that we are accomplishing our goals and moving over the many hurdles that we have encountered. I know it will keep going but we are up to the challenge.
So my toast for the New Year is Health, Strength, Understanding, and Faith to bless us all as we move forward on our journeys this year. We may not always understand why, but we can be assured that there is a Divine Design that will lead us into great paths if we allow Him to do so. Happy New Year!

80 Days and Counting...

So I have been in Canada for 80 days. It hardly seems possible. While I feel like it has been years since I saw my family last, it feels very short in others ways. I adore seeing my husband daily. That sentence sounds odd to most, but anybody who has endured long distance will understand and echo similar feelings about their sweetheart. I had lots of people tell me that I would really struggle when Sebastian and I got to this living together business. I knew it was going to be difficult because we are both older, intelligent, and have a stubborn streak. We have had our moments when I thought to myself, "Where did my husband go because this guy isn't acting like him at all." I am sure he has had the same moments. Canadian Thanksgiving (I am going to share this fight because it was humorous and well, I am going to embarrass myself so don't laugh too hard) I was making the "feast". I was in the kitchen and decided that I needed to sit down because my leg was aching. Now, keep in mind my husband's bachelorhood until very recently when I arrived. We have old plastic lawn chairs in our kitchen instead of a proper table and chair set. I sat down in Sebastian's chair when all of a sudden it breaks and I am thrown to the floor. No fat person ever wants this to happen and I was mortified. Sebastian runs up, and I thought to myself, "Oh he is so worried about me" but instead he rushed to inspect the chair and figure out why it broke. I am still sitting on the floor and he is mourning the loss of his 15 year old lawn chair that had doubled as a part of a dining room set. It was a moment where I wondered who this guy was parading as my husband. The irony that he was more concerned about the $10 chair did not escape me and I pointed it out, perhaps in a raised tone. Looking back, I think I will never forget that Ham dinner and Sebastian worrying about a chair. It is funny what is important to us at times. I know we are growing together, as married people do. And I feel blessed I have had this time with him.
On the job front, I was offered a job September 1st and I accepted. Unfortunately I have been waiting for licensing since that time. I have done a few trainings and I am headed to Fargo for a week of training this week. Hopefully, I will start meeting my clients in December and really get rolling. I have to take a National Board Certification test for my licensing. It is a daunting task as this test covers all the knowledge presented to me in Graduate School. I have been studying and hope I am ready when I get the big OK to take this test (hopefully coming very soon). I am impressed thus far with my new employer. They are invested in the betterment of their personnel and give each new hire Stephen R Covey's book and another book about personal development and a personal mission statement. These are then discussed in our yearly review. I respect that they want me to be successful, nit just somebody who completes the work competently. The other thing that has been nice is how they handled my Safety training this past week in Grand Forks. They offered to get me a hotel for the night before so that I would not have to be on the road at 5 AM to be in attendance. When I finally do get working, Sebastian and I have decided that I will find an apartment in or near Devil's Lake and stay there during the week, On the weekend I will come home to Winnipeg to spend time with Sebastian. There are benefits with this plan. For one, we don't have to mess with Visas and such, for now. We obviously don't wish for this to be our permanent standing. We have reason to believe that something even more wonderful may be brewing for us in the future. Time will tell. For now,I am excited to finally be at the point where I have a job that is appropriate for my level of education and that will stretch me as a person.
Coming to Winnipeg, I knew I was suppose to take a role in my new ward. I have already spoke in church, have been called as a Relief Society teacher, and will play a part in our Super Saturday. I am really happy to be in the service of my new ward and I am excited to grow in this capacity. Relief Society teacher is a bit scary for me because it was always the more experienced mothers of the ward who taught Relief Society in my wards in Utah. I guess I am older then I would like to claim, but I am not a mother and well, quite frankly I spent a good number of years ditching Relief Society. I guess that will not be a habit I will develop in my new ward ;) I hope that I will be able to give the lessons and help somebody look at things in a different way, or learn something new. I know it will be a matter of many prayers.
There are a few things we wish for in our future and pray our Heavenly Father will hear and answer our prayers. We always pray to remain cancer free. I will have another set of MRI's in a few weeks (I get to come home for Thanksgiving). We also ever pray that we might be blessed with children. We have only been married 2 years and just been together in the same household for 80 days, but we feel our age creeping on us and know there are health obstacles. But we are ever hopeful that we will be able to take on the very sacred role of Mother and Father. I know that I have been blessed beyond measure this past while. Heavenly Father has worked miraculous wonders and miracles in my life and I am thankful he is mindful of me and my desires.

Reflection and A Plan

This past year has been the most difficult year of my entire life. I told Sebastian when we got engaged that we had to get married in 2009. I just had this feeling about 2010, and the feeling was right, just not in a happy direction. It is a blessing we did get married because I may have opted to simplify my life and exclude a long distance relationship. I am thankful we did marry and I have my sweet husband with me. This time last year I had been forced to quit my Internship, leave the comforts of my home and family, live in a medical apartment, and to endure daily radiation treatments that completely sapped me of energy and severely burned my thigh. I was in constant pain and simply put, miserable. There were days I wanted to just quit because it was too hard. And here I am today, just finished with my Masters degree, scarred but still around, and starting on a new adventure.
I have been hinting around about this but my new journey started in April of this year. Conference Saturday in April to be exact. I had slept late and missed the first session of General Conference. I had the opportunity to watch the last couple of talks and vowed I would listen to the replay on KBYU. No sooner had they said amen in the prayer that my telephone began to ring. It was my Grandma and she was asking me if I had heard the news. I told her what happened and then she told me that they had announced the building of the Winnipeg temple. I began to cry, Grandma had the same reaction. I knew I was suppose to be in Winnipeg, I was suppose to be there and a part of this progress. This feeling scared me and overwhelmed me. For one thing, I felt I could not leave my Dad in his health condition. I also knew that it would be career suicide. I fought against this feeling but I knew what I knew and I knew that I was, yet again being called on a "mission". I went back to my internship and I worried about the next step that would come in August. I wanted to stay at Southwest but I knew there was not a job. In fact I knew there was not any jobs in Utah. My time in Utah was coming to an end. It scared the crud out of me. Sebastian and I went back and forth trying to figure out what we wanted next. That feeling of being needed in Winnipeg persisted but I could not see a way that we could make my career work in Canada. I finally decided that I was just going to start sending out my resume and see what happened. I sent out 20 resumes in one day. I got a couple of responses that the jobs no longer existed but "thank you for (my) interest." Then I had one come back that she wanted to talk to me about the possibility of offering me a job. This job is in Devil's Lake, North Dakota. This is the job that is the very closest to Sebastian. I could drive home on the weekends, be apart of Sebastian's ward and start my new "mission". I have since interviewed with the district supervisor and had several correspondance with the woman who will be my direct supervisor. She has talked to me about housing in the area and how I can commute home to Canada. I meet her and the district supervisor in person on the 31st of August. I expect a forthcoming job offer. So I am flying to be with my sweet husband on Thursday August 25th. we have reached the end of being a part. Even if I do not get the job, I no longer have a reason to not be with my husband so I choose Sebastian and my marriage. But I have put this in my Heavenly Father's hands and I believe he has prepared a promising and wonderful next step for me. If I come back to St. George in September, it will be to move my belongings. Move my belongings half way across the country. It is a scary move but I am excited for this step, this progress in my, our family. So, when Stacy Schimbeck made the joke last Sunday about being asked to speak in Sacrament meeting but "they weren't moving" I think I laughed the loudest because yes, this Sunday is my last Sunday in the Washington 5th ward and No, I am not scheduled to speak in church. So, here is for progress and thank heavens I made it through the dark times to come out on the other side and enjoy the next part of my journey. I know that many people have blessed our lives this past little bit and have kept me in their prayers.

TIME?!?!

time...Time...TIME...Argh it keeps ticking and at the very same time it is never moving fast enough. I finish my internship on August 14. The goal has been so hard to get to, and yet I worry I will never make it. I do go to work but it is definately more difficult to get out of bed and get there. And it is even more difficult when I see my bills piling up and yet no pay check. So while I am running as fast as I can to the finish line, I am so very scared about getting there and having to get a job, if I will get a job, and where that will be.
Sebastian and I have gone back and forth for awhile as to what comes next. I was told that the door really is closed on a job at Southwest Behavioral Health, and the pickin's are slim here in Utah. So where? Sebastian applied for a director of security job there in Winnipeg. It would be such a great opportunity for him but I am worried about my career. I know that sounds selfish and I need to think as a we, but I have gone to school for what seems like forever and will not really be able to do much therapy in Canada with a Masters degree. My work would be more case management. I love my husband and we need to finally live in the same country/city/home finally! So I feel conflicted. In April when the Winnipeg temple was announced, I had a feeling that I should be in Winnipeg. I told Sebastian I will give it a year, but I know it is almost career suicide to not work on licensing this first year. I will know more about all of this soon because I am going to Winnipeg the end of August to spend time with Sebastian, but I am going to try and interview for jobs. Really, I need a job for my sanity and my ability to feel good about my abilities, much less the bills and the goose egg in the bank account. I guess I could use some divine intervention. So time is my enemy, for now.

An attempt to not be Debbie Downer (A nod to all of those SNL fans)

I feel like lately I have been Debbie Downer. I get through one challenge only to have something new to complain about. So, I am going to briefly update what is happening with my leg and then talk about more pleasant topics. On April 18, Dr. Booth decided that the tunnel in my leg would not heal without intervention. He numbed my leg and then with a scalpel, cut open my leg down to the tunnel so that my leg could heal from the base up to the surface. I know it seems strange to cut a leg open to heal it, but my tunnel would persist, be an area for possible infection and continued drainage. This was a painful procedure and I did not recover like I thought I should. I went back on Thursday, and Dr. Booth had determined that I had cellulitis in my leg, but it was not in my wound, but in the area that I have had problems with scar tissue and suspected an additional tumor. He told me to go the ER and that I would be in patient for 2 to 3 days if it was simply cellulitis, but if it was an abscess, I needed to head back to Salt Lake for more surgery and interventions. I was scared and wouldn't you know it, it was one of the few times I went alone to wound clinic. I went and picked up Kortney and hugged Grandma as I headed to the ER. Once there, I was treated like a hypochondriac who did not know what she was talking about. The ball had been dropped between the old campus of the hospital and the new hospital. After 4 hours at the ER, they had determined that it was cellulitis but my white count was not high enough to be too concerned. (Apparently I can show up normal on blood work and yet have cancer-That was 15 months ago.) So I was referred to Infusion therapy through the holiday weekend to receive daily infusions of Rocefin and to take it easy and try and elevate my leg as much as possible. No problem because all I wanted to do was sleep, I felt like crud. I am now on more oral antibiotics and trying to feel stronger, but my allergies are also kicking my trash. This week I was referred for Hyperbaric therapy. I thought it was no big deal before I saw what that entails. Hyperbaric treatment involves wearing this clear plastic hood over your head with it locked on a collar you put on first so that you get 100% oxygen while you are in this pressurized tank. Did not look like a pleasure cruise to me. I would also have to get my little friend back on my leg. My little friend is a temperamental little machine called a wound vac. The other difficulty is that they want me to commit to 2 hour sessions 5 days a week for 6 weeks. That is a huge commitment to accompany my internship.
Okay, on to pleasantries. I am going back to Southwest Mental Health Youth Division for my final 15 weeks of internship. This is where I did my first 30 weeks and I enjoyed it immensely. It is difficult to work with children, but I love thinking that if I can teach an 8 year old a skill that will serve them the rest of their lives, how much happier they will be. I have run into some wonderful, fun kids there and I am glad they can accommodate me for these final weeks. I was really concerned that I did not have an internship site because I am so close to finishing that no one would want to invest the time in me. I start back on Monday, May 2nd. I will be working with a different population these final weeks. I will be working with troubled teenage boys. I love helping kids and seeing them learn something about themselves that can enhance their lives. Not to mention, I get to play with toys, draw and color, and play all day long. It is fabulous. The other good news is that I am graduating with my Masters in Counseling-Mental Health on Saturday May 7th. And I am walking at graduation. I decided that I need to celebrate the good things in my life. I had wanted to have all my family and my cute husband to be there but the fates did not quite align for that to happen. I am going to graduation with very exceptional parents whom I know I could not have survived without during this last part of my life. We will have to all celebrate during my birthday in July. I have realized that any graduation is worth celebrating, any victory is worth celebrating because life is short and we should be trying to build each other up rather than the doldrums of every day. That is the other bit of good news. I am going to have another birthday this year. And as much as I would rather be turning 26 than 36, I am glad that my Heavenly Father gave me another year in this mortal existence and I am excited to have my family including my cute husband around me while I blow out my candles. Thank heavens there is a bright side to every dark cloud.